DON'T GET NO RESPECT

Photo source:  Getty Images/Vetta 

Yesterday I read a very disturbing account of a 10 year old boy who was caught throwing rocks at cars driving by.  The police were called and while trying to get information, the boy kept walking away and refusing to cooperate.  It wasn't long before he got really fed up and started mouthing off at the police woman.  She put handcuffs on him.  That really set him off.  "Why are you putting cuffs on me, you ###@@@##ing pig?"  "Because you are throwing rocks at cars!" 

The cussing with many F-bombs was continuous.  All the while this was going on the boy's mother was videoing the whole event.  Instead of stepping in to stop her son being so incredibly rude and out of control, all the mother did was say that this video was going up on Facebook to show what the police were doing to her precious, [disgustingly-behaved] son. I am not sure if she realized that the evidence would show those who saw it what a bad job she had done raising her son.  All in all it was a shocking display of bad manners by the mother and son. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

WHERE DOES DISRESPECT START?

a) I have heard parents say some terrible things to their kids and I am sure you have also.  The 
    children feel hurt and often just copy their parents in hurting others.  They feel it's OK.
b) When parents show disrespect towards authority, kids will do the same.  
c) When there is a sense of entitlement, it causes a lack of respect, and frustration when people 
    cannot get what they want.  They often lash out, steal or destroy.  
d) When there are no boundaries, kids fail to learn what respect for others means.

It is not up to the school system to teach children what being respectful means.  Sure, there are consequences in place at school when disrespect is demonstrated, but it is not appropriate for kids to only learn the hard way, especially when there is a lack of role modelling at home.

HOW YOUNG CAN KIDS LEARN TO BE RESPECTFUL?

Yesterday I watched my 4 and 5 year old grandsons at Tae Kwon Do.  The master sure taught them respect.  He stood no nonsense at all and as soon as they put a foot wrong he corrected them straight away by issuing a consequence.  I didn't know that such little children could sit still and not move at all for 3 minutes and yet they all did it.  When ever he spoke to them, they had to call loudly, "Yes, Sir!"  There was certainly order in the class.

We need to respect one another.  That means we speak kindly, think of others before ourselves and look for ways to make others' lives more enjoyable.  We need to teach our kids the importance of giving and let them experience the feeling of joy in seeing others feeling valued.

WHAT DOES RESPECT GET YOU?

a)  Respect in return
b)  Good friends
c)  Others' trust
d)  Job security
e)  Respectful, happy kids and a peaceful home

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families
 

DEALING WITH BED WETTING

If there’s one thing that causes parents of young children consternation, it’s bed wetting. I must have got my parents ticked a lot because they had to deal with my lapses for years! Did I wet the bed on purpose? NO. I wasn’t conscious enough in the middle of the night to have a meeting with myself and make an executive decision that it was time now to upset my Mom and Dad.

Getting angry with a child because they wet the bed only causes the child more anxiety and the problem could get even worse. It certainly doesn’t solve the problem.  I read of an instance where a young boy's parents were so angry at his bed wetting that they would try to shame him by hanging his sheets out the window where everyone could see.  He actually became one of the world's fastest runners because he would bolt out of school every afternoon and get home to remove the sheets before anyone from school saw them.

I found some research written by Dr. Howard J. Bennett, author of the book, Waking Up Dry: A Guide to help Children Overcome Bed Wetting.  Dr. Bennett states that scolding kids can lead to lower self-esteem, make school a less-successful environment (potential embarrassment and/or fear of wetting pants at school) and cause the child to have difficulties making and keeping friends. He says. “Parents punish because they’re exasperated or they think the child does it on purpose or isn’t trying hard enough.”

Here’s what Dr. Bennett suggests as a script next time this happens with your child:

Instead of, “You’re too old to have accidents.”
Say, “It looks like you peed. Let’s get you out of those pajamas and put new sheets on your bed.”

Rather than fueling your kid’s frustration or sense of failure, you’re showing her that cleanup is a team effort – and so is finding a way to stay dry at night. (Make sure you have a waterproof cover on the mattress)

Instead of, “If you wet the bed again, we’re taking away video games and TV privileges.”
Say, “If you are able to stay dry tonight, we can add a sticker to your chart.”

Docking privileges for peeing at night is akin to chastising a kid for sneezing. Rewards for staying dry, though, can help build confidence, especially for younger kids.

Instead of saying to your other children, “Your brother wet the bed again!”

Say, “Nothing’s wrong, sweetie. I’m just helping your brother make up his bed.”

Playing down the incident can quell sibling taunting – and won’t exacerbate your child’s embarrassment or shame. I remember the shame I felt. After much discussion with the Doctor he deduced that my parents were forcing me to eat everything on my plate and maybe my action was a sub-conscious rebellion.  I don't remember. When my parents ceased that the bed-wetting stopped!

What might be causing your child’s anxiety level to be so heightened?

Written by Brian Burgess, Forefront Families

HOW TO DEAL WITH BULLYING

TYPES OF BULLYING   

There are three types of bullying.  Physical bullying refers to harming another person’s body or property.  Emotional bullying refers to harming another person’s self worth such as name calling, verbal put downs, being stood over or verbally harassed. Social bullying refers to harming one’s group acceptance, being publicly humiliated or ostracized  Anyone, any age can be a bully.  Bullying is deadly serious and a very  common problem amongst groups of people.  Bullying is not one single incident, but repeated intimidation.

WHY PEOPLE BULLY OTHERS

There are various reasons why people bully others.  If a child bullies they may be modeling the behavior of a bullying parent, or an action hero.  They may feel insecure and feel the need to establish superiority over others.  They may have an inflated ego, considering others to be beneath them, therefore boosting their pride.  Sadly, some bullies get a buzz out of the fearful reaction of the victim.  Bullies thrive on dominance and power.

Bullies target those who will not challenge them.  They usually surround themselves with friends they can call on to protect them in case the bullying backfires on them.  (This indicates that they are really cowards underneath).  They pick on kids who are smaller or weaker than them, kids with poor social skills, kids who display physical difficulties and kids who won’t retaliate.

THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO BULLYING

Prevention:

• Tell your children what bullying means - what it looks like and why people do it.
• Teach your children about respecting others - what it means and what it looks like.
• Watch out for bullying tendencies within your own family and deal with it quickly.  
• Get professional advice if necessary.
• Watch out for 'stand over' tactics with one child over another in your family. 
• Schools should have a ‘no bullying’ program and students and parents need to be aware of the process of reporting bullying.  
• Work places should make it known to workers that they are free to discuss such concerns with the HR department without incrimination or retaliation. Whistle blowers should be protected.

Action:

• Watch out for changes in your child’s behavior e.g. reticence to go to school or play with particular children.
• Encourage your children to talk to you if they feel afraid of ANYONE.
• DO NOT take matters into your own hands by marching to a bully’s home.  You might be standing right in front of a bully parent.  Hostility does not solve situations.
• Do not put up with work intimidation. Report repeated bullying to the HR Department.

Written by Sally and Brian Burgess, Forefront Families

PREPARING OUR KIDS FOR THE ROAD

As parents, we sometimes go too far trying to help and protect our kids from life's harsh realities and disappointments. We don't want our kids to struggle like we did.  Therefore, we are tempted to hover and coddle in a wave of over-protection.

But Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Dan Kindlon says that over-protected children are more likely to struggle in relationships and with challenges.  We're sending our kids the message that they're not capable of helping themselves.
 
To quote clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy Mogel:
"It is our job to prepare our children for the road, not prepare the road for our children."

They need to know how to deal with failure.  EVERYONE fails.  It is a fact of life.  We can't protect our kids from it.  For one thing we will not always be there to catch them.  We cannot afford to allow them to think their negative situation is always the fault of someone else.  We need to teach them to accept responsibility for unwise decisions they make in life.  Therefore, we need to teach them about failure and how we can turn failure into success.  There are plenty of examples in history to bring to their attention.

The Bible tells us that "The rain falls on the just and the unjust."  In other words, 'stuff happens'.  We need to deal with it and move on.  Making the best of the situation teaches our kids optimism instead of pessimism.

Ann Landers is quite right when she says, "It is our responsibility to teach our children to become mature, reliable, responsible adults who will, in turn, become role models for their own children."

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY CHILD'S FAILED RELATIONSHIPS?

Think back to your own school days when Cassandra, (or was it Jack?) decided they didn’t want to be your friend any more or just changed friends without so much as a grin, then gave you grief.  You thought they were mean, and they probably were.  You cried a lot and decided to be mean back, because you didn’t know what else to do.

This has always happened, still does and always will.  Your parents may have dealt with it well and helped you through the crisis, or they didn’t handle it well and you learned through ‘the school of hard knocks’.

I’d like to offer you some suggestions when these crises happen to your child.

OFFER TO LISTEN INTENTLY:

If you have developed a strong communication link with your child it will make the task easier as they will be honest with you and spill out the problem troubling them.  Listen to them with affirmative words, or at least grunts, without interrupting them.  Sometime during the session mention an experience you had and how you dealt with it.

INVITE SOME 'REAL FRIENDS' OVER:

If they have any true friends, (maybe they don’t go to the same school) ask her if she wants to invite a couple over to play.  This may take the focus off the tense situation at school and give her faith in other relationships.

HEAP LOVE ON YOUR CHILD:

Your child is probably feeling hurt, insecure and a bit angry in regards to the failed relationship.  Load affection on her.  Take her out and give her some happy times.  Maybe serve her favorite meal.  Reassure her that this situation will work itself out.  Acceptance and trust will build to a point where she will want to come and share her thoughts and emotions with you in the future.

Written by Brian Burgess, Forefront Families

20 RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS FOR KIDS

We have heard a lot lately about random acts of kindness by adults, like paying for the groceries of the person behind you at the supermarket or taking an older person out for an afternoon drive.  We have extremely wealthy people giving away chunks of their fortunes to the needy and church folks going out into the community to help those in need.

It is equally important to teach our kids that giving unconditionally is something they can also be involved in.  To give someone else pleasure in a world that has become so self-centered, is a very strong value to instill into the whole family.  Here are some suggestions for kids to learn kindness:

1) Hold the door open for those behind you.

2) Say good morning to your teacher, principal, school officials and classmates.

3) Offer to let your classmate go first.

4) Ask if you can take your neighbor’s dog for a walk.

5) Invite someone new over for a play-date.

6) Collect dry products and canned goods for a food bank.

7) Volunteer to be a tutor or mentor in a school, especially if there is an area in
     which you can help another student.

8)  Give someone a compliment at least once every day.

9)  Color a picture, make something or send a treat to a senior center or nursing home.

10) Donate your unwanted toys and books to children in need.

11) Write a thank you note to your teacher, your coach, a firefighter, your mentor or
       someone who has influenced you in a positive way.

12)  Clean up the area around your school or a local park, picking up trash and
       putting it in the garbage can.  You can also help your teacher clean up the
       classroom.

13)  Be extra kind to your bus driver.  Say hello when you get on the bus and say
       thank you.

14)  Call your grandparent(s) or other special family members who you do not see
       often.

15) Set aside 10% of your allowance to give away to charities or church so that
       others will benefit.

16)  Write a note to your parent(s) or grandparent(s) and tell them why they are
        special to you.

17)  Help around the house without being asked to do so, such as cleaning your room,
       taking out the garbage or helping with the laundry.

18)  Going to a new school can be really scary so be friendly to any new students
        that may come to your class or grade.

19)  Organize the clothes you don’t wear anymore and donate them to a clothing
       drive or shelter.

20)  Smile.  Smiling is easy and happiness is contagious!

by Brian Burgess, Forefront Families
www.forefrontfamilies.org

THINK BEFORE APPLYING CONSEQUENCES

Have you ever pronounced a consequence on your child in anger and then realized it was completely inappropriate to the 'crime'?  Acting in anger and telling your child that they are grounded until they are 35 is just plain silly!!  On the one hand, it is impossible to enforce and on the other, who wants their child in the house making your life miserable for any length of time?  Drinking a cup of coffee or tea and a wander around the back yard to cool off will help you think straight before issuing a consequence. 

Yes, I can think of numerous times when I was a parent of younger children (that seems like 100 years ago!!) when my reaction in addressing my child’s misbehavior was something that I later regretted.  I have learned some valuable lessons that I want to pass on to you.

 

PRO-ACTION vs REACTION

 PRO-ACTION: Kids deserve to know your expectations.  You explain what situation you are applying consequences to, then train your kids in the way you want them to behave.  You create either positive or negative consequences for their meeting or not meeting these expectations.  Achieving the very best from your kids will always come from praise for the positive rather than constantly berating them for the negatives.  Pro-action means you tell your kids clearly what the consequences will be for particular negative behaviors.  They make the decision to cross the line, and if they do, they already know what is coming.  That is playing fair with your kids.

REACTION: This is when you act without thinking which does not often bode well for either child or parent.   It often means that too harsh a consequence is issued which is unfair to the child.  It also means that a parent owes the child an apology for acting out of anger or frustration and not hearing the whole story before corrective action is applied.

 

HOW TO BE FAIR, FIRM AND FRIENDLY

A quick check of your own frustration or anger levels will tell you whether objectivity in a snap corrective decision can be achieved.  Give yourself and your child time to cool off.  It might mean sending the child to their room or talking the situation over with your spouse if a predetermined consequence has not been laid down.  It may be a time to reflect on whether you have made your expectations clear and/or whether you are displaying the behavior you are expecting of your child.

When you are ready to face your child try the following:

1) Tell him/her how you feel about his/her actions or lack of good judgment.

2) Tell them that it always pays to tell the truth, that trying to talk you out of the consequence
     is not going to work because it is important to learn to take responsibility for their own
     actions.

3) Tell your child that even though you are disappointed you love them and trust they
     have learned the appropriate way to behave from here on.

4) Follow up with praise when they get it right.  Tell them they can always come to you
    to ask how to deal with situations they are unsure of.

5) Finally, apply the consequence when you are ready and as it is necessary.

Sometimes, especially at Middle or High School, a child may throw you a curve ball and do something out of character like skipping school.  You think, “But my child would never do that!”  It can happen to the best behaved children, especially if they are with a group of other kids egging them on.  When something like this happens, be prepared to wait a couple of days until all the facts are in and you have got over the shock.  Then act.

Written by Brian Burgess, Forefront Families