ENJOY PARENTAL GREATNESS

I am sure that no parent would refute the fact that parenting can be a hard and seemingly thankless task sometimes! Parents are learning how to successfully parent as they go along. Whenever we run seminars we hear lots of examples where parents feel inadequate and many questions are asked about what should be done to help them. It is easy to become despondent and think that life, as we once knew it without children, was a far, distant and unsalvageable dream. NOT!

WHEN IT IS 'SINK OR SWIM'

For us, when we were down in the engine room of early parenting, there were times we felt that we were barely making it from day to day. There were just so many things to manage. Not only were we raising our children, but we were balancing the check book, working in our careers, singing on the side, studying for degrees, while maintaining friends and family relationships as well as our own. Staying sane was a bonus! We tried to pick our battles. Let’s face it, there were times when all we really wanted was to retreat to the trenches and give ourselves a rest. Sometimes we did just that! So why do we sit back now and feel satisfied with our efforts at parenting our children? We realize now, and our kids have confirmed this numerous times, that we created a positive home environment with plenty of love and consistent discipline. We must have done enough right to see our now adult children doing so well.

THE BALANCE BETWEEN POSITIVES AND NEGATIVES

Part of the struggle in attaining a peaceful, positive home environment is finding the balance required between negatives and positives. The more positive comments and praise we can give, and the more positive activities we can arrange for our children, the more our homes will be the place where our children and their friends will want to be. If you find yourself constantly nagging, then stop. Change tactics. Start recognizing the positive things they do and concentrate on those things. To monitor progress, set goals for yourself as well as for each child. Meeting those goals is fulfilling, contagious and worthy of praise.

ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER

Some time ago my husband decided to encourage parents when we saw well-behaved children in restaurants. He had a business card made up and handed it to all those he felt were doing a good job with their children when they were out in public. The card said, “You are a great parent.” Brian would explain to the parents why he thought that family deserved the card. You wouldn’t believe the faces of those parents when they were complimented in this way. Some even had tears well up. A simple gesture, yet I bet those parents never throw away the card. We all need encouragement, even when we feel we are only half way there with our children. They love encouragement. They want to please their parents. They will know you appreciate them when you tell them so. ‘Attaboy!’ and “attagirl!’ should be heard in your home frequently. Be liberal in your compliments to other parents. If you love affirmation, then they will, also.

ENJOY THE PRAISE

I think that when we are in the middle of raising our kids, we don’t see the great things that we have achieved with them. When someone compliments you on your child's good manners, or their accomplishments, stop and enjoy it. Pat yourself on the head. Give yourselves some credit and thank the Lord. It is too easy to say things like, “You should see Suzy at home!”

We all need as much encouragement as we can get. It is one thing to be a great parent and another to have it confirmed by others. Enjoy greatness and share it.

HERE IS A FABULOUS FAMILY

The pictures I have included are of a very lovely couple who live in Tenessee, USA.  Nancy and Colin are in their 70's now and have raised 6 children, most of whom live on adjacent properties to them.  They also adopted 4 teens from Liberia and now have over 30 grandchildren.  Although this couple still go all over the USA, and sometimes other countries, speaking about the importance of family love and care, they are an absolute example of what they advocate.  The whole family support one another, have lots of gatherings together and we often get invited.  I am giving a huge thumbs up to this creative close-knit family.  Well done, lovely people.  You honor one another and we want to honor you!

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families
www.forefrontfamilies.org

ANGELS WHEN OUT, MONSTERS AT HOME!

We often get asked this question. Why are my kids angels when they are at school, at church or at the neighbors, but turn into little monsters when they are at home? The first thing we say is, “Congratulations, you have taught your children how to behave when they are away from home.” However, this does not answer the question as to why they misbehave when they are at home.

REASONS FOR MISBEHAVIOR

• Lack of parental role modeling: Parents may not be good role models at home.
• Stress between parents. Kids pick it up. 
• Favoritism by parents between children.
• Not have enough physical activity at home to burn off excess energy. 
• No expectations of them at home to occupy themselves with creative activities. Such pursuits give them a sense of accomplishment and the opportunity for praise. 

 

KIDS NEED ORDER NOT CHAOS

The first point to make is that there are outside influences on them when they are out. Schools have clear expectations and structure. There is pressure from both teachers and other kids to abide by the rules. Kids may also be on their best behavior when they are out because parents are much more conscious of their kids’ behavior in other company and will correct them more quickly. The behavior may reflect on the family! Home is a place where feelings can safely be expressed, frustration is aired, people are forced to live in close quarters, and where brothers and sisters get on each other’s nerves and into each other’s stuff. Home is a place where it all hangs out.

The question then is, should misbehavior be acceptable just because it is home? Should families accept a chaotic, noisy household? If you could describe the ideal home environment, what would it be? I would want a positive, harmonious, productive and caring environment where we could all feel accepted and valued as individuals, while still being a close-knit family unit. I am sure every family would want that. It is not just a dream, but can easily become a reality for every family.

KIDS NEED STRUCTURE

Children will be well behaved in a structured environment with clear expectations, boundaries and consequences for negative behavior. Structure, routine and consistency creates the security that kids need. It allows them to think positively, proactively and, therefore, productively. Productivity keeps them busy and promotes a sense of purpose.

KIDS NEED ATTENTION

Kids may not be given the attention they need by parents, both in quality and quantity time. Kids may be hungry because of unhealthy food and irregular meal times. They may be tired because no set bed times are in place, and too much television is watched. The family often does not have in place the necessary values or principles that teach the importance of respect, loyalty, forgiveness, trust, honesty, obedience and integrity.

You can achieve a peaceful home with happy, healthy children if you take an honest look at why your kids are misbehaving and make amends to meet these needs.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families
www.forefrontfamilies.org

HOW TO BECOME A 'WYSIWYG'

“What on earth is a ‘WYSIWYG’?” I hear you ask. The initials mean, ‘What You See Is What You Get.’ Isn’t it a breath of fresh air to find someone who says what they mean, and means what they say? Yes ‘WYSIWYGs’ are uncomplicated, plain speaking, straight shooting souls. They are consistent and transparent, baggage free, and not motivated by some hidden agenda. They don’t go ‘pear shaped’ over some little insensitive comment, or get into a huff because they couldn’t get their own way. Basically they just ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’.

Personally, I get very tired of not being able to be ‘myself’ around some people for fear I might say something that will offend them, or knock over that sacred cow they are protecting. I am not saying it’s OK to be insensitive. What I am saying is that it is a wonderful surprise to find people who are mature enough to see the positive side of life and to be free of all those things that make many people feel ‘precious’.

 HOW TO BECOME A WYSIWYG

How can we become ‘WYSIWYGs’ and how can we teach our kids to be the same way? The answer lies in how we process potential issues and how we feel about ourselves. We can’t change our personalities, but we can change our responses to others. For example, anger is a normal and legitimate emotion. It is what we do with it that is the important thing. We can use anger positively to propel us into defending others or standing against injustice. However, our default mode is set to the negative so, without thinking about it, we find our anger escalates. We smolder and maybe even become vengeful. If we let it get too out of hand we may find ourselves refusing to forgive the offender. Harboring grudges creates baggage and this further clutters our outlook on life.

Recently I was asked to record the female parts for a duo. I waited for months to hear when it was time to go to the studio. Eventually, after attempting to communicate with the organizers a number of times without success, I was told by someone outside the studio that another person had recorded the female parts already! I was furious – momentarily. Then I had a strong talk to myself and forced myself to lay it down. Of course I wondered whether I wasn’t good enough. But then I delved into my ‘positive bank’ and was able to reassure myself that I was good enough for the job and that their choice was not going to affect me.

How we feel about ourselves will always dictate how we deal with issues. Whether we take it on board or whether we toss it off. And sometimes we do actually make some personal adjustments. That is part of development.

As parents we are responsible for how our kids feel about themselves and how they deal with offenses. We need to monitor the general home atmosphere to ensure that it is positive and that family members appear to be at peace. We need to make sure that we encourage and support each other through hard times. Such occasions are great opportunities to teach kids how to manage their emotions and learn how to tackle problems with ever increasing maturity.

Do our kids see us rise above offenses? When it’s appropriate we can discuss particular issues that we, or other family members are having. We can talk about where the ‘offender’ was coming from and what may be going on in their lives for them to act in an offensive manner to others. We need to reassure our kids that others don’t see them in the way the offender did, and if it’s necessary, we might have to help our kids positively change their own behavior.

We need to be vigilant in keeping our conversations positive. We need to do everything in our power to prevent other people’s junk from sticking to us, or our kids. When our mind is free to allow us to be uncomplicated, happy, transparent fun people, then we know we have become true ‘WYSIWYGs’.

Written by Sally and Brian Burgess, Forefront Families
www.forefrontfamilies.org 

These two boys are brothers and the best of friends.  The first pic was taken at lease 2 years ago and this one below, was only taken about 6 weeks ago.  I think you can see how they feel about each other.  It is written all over their faces and with them we know that 'what we see is what we get!'

 

OVERCOMING ALL ODDS

How can we teach our children to face and overcome difficulties in our world?  It might be a family death or break-up, it might be an injury causing disability or it might even be a birth defect which will affect that child for the rest of his/her life.  It might be failure in an exam, or being dropped from a sports team.  Whatever the difficulty, we need to give our children the tools to face difficulty with a positive outcome.

 

BOOSTING THE HUMAN SPIRIT

There are a number of ways to boost and protect the human spirit.

• Speak encouraging rather than damning words. 
• Create high expectations for your kids, but not so high they are impossible to reach and give up. Don't live out your own failed expectations on your children. 
• Exercise a strong faith in your child's abilities, working out their strengths and helping them reach their potential, exposing them to all possibilities, and yes, even apparent impossibilities.  Teach them that there is no such word as 'can't' even if a modification of the goal has to be made to achieve success.
• Be a positive role model by proving you can achieve things beyond your previously perceived capabilities, and when you don't meet your own expectations, doing it until you get it right.
• Celebrate successes and evaluate failures so improvements can be made. Teach them that it is not the win that is important so much as personal involvement and improvement.  To say, "If you are not the winner then, you are a loser", is a VERY destructive thing to say to a child.
• Reading your kids stories about heroes or people who have done seemingly impossible things e.g. Dr. Glenn Cunningham who was so badly burnt as a child the doctor pronounced, in his hearing, that he would never walk again. In fact, his parents were being persuaded by the physician to have both his legs amputated. That made Glenn so determined to walk, so he pulled himself up on the back fence and, day after day, along with a new type of massage therapy for that time, made his legs strong enough to hold him up. Dr. Cunningham eventually won a gold medal in the 1938 Olympic Games and held a number of other running records. An impossible achievement?  He didn't think so! Then there was Wilma Rudolf, a young crippled girl who overcame her disability by persistent practice and became a gold medalist Olympian. 

 

NOT OVER-PROTECTING YOUR CHILD AGAINST NEGATIVE STUFF

• Avoid over-protecting your child so he/she never experiences disappointment.  Everyone in the world is disappointed, devastated, hurt or deeply saddened by events at some time in their lives and they need to learn how to deal with it.  
• Tell them it is OK to cry, that this situation would make anyone hurt, angry, sad or disappointed.  Children need to learn that life is not fair and that stuff happens.  We need to acknowledge their feelings and walk them through the situation.  If it is too big for you, drawing from you parental experience, then get professional help.  
• Kids need to learn to apologize if they contributed to a negative situation.   

• It is important to protect your child's mind against negative/violent social media.  The ones that win are not always the good guys and the means by which they succeed is not necessarily the way you want your kids to solve their problems. 

• We often get asked this question.  Why are my kids angels when they are at school, at church or at the neighbors, but turn into little monsters when they are at home?  The first thing we say is, “Congratulations, you have taught your children how to behave when they are away from home.”  However, this does not answer the question as to why they misbehave when they are at home.
• The first point to make is that there are outside influences on them when they are out.  Schools have clear expectations and structure.  There is pressure from both teachers and other kids to abide by the rules.  Kids may also be on their best behavior when they are out because parents are much more conscious of their kids’ behavior in other company and will correct them more quickly.  The behavior may reflect on the family!  Home is a place where feelings can safely be expressed, frustration is aired, people are forced to live in close quarters, and where brothers and sisters get on each other’s nerves and into each other’s stuff.  Home is a place where it all hangs out. 
  
  
  The question then is, should misbehavior be acceptable just because it is at home?  Should families accept a chaotic, noisy household?  If you could describe the ideal home environment, what would it be?  I would want a positive, harmonious, productive and caring environment where we could all feel accepted and valued as individuals, while still being a close-knit family unit.  I am sure every family would want that.  It is not just a dream, but can easily become a reality for every family.
  
  
  Children will be well behaved in a structured environment with clear expectations, boundaries and consequences for negative behavior as well as for positive behavior.  Structure, routine and consistency creates the security that kids need.  It allows them to think positively, proactively and, therefore, productively.  Productivity keeps them busy and promotes a sense of purpose.
  
  
  There is a raft of other reasons why kids misbehave at home.  Parents may not be good role models at home.  When there is stress between parents, the kids pick it up.  Parents may frustrate the children by comparing or favoring one child over another.  Children may not have enough physical activity at home to burn off excess energy.  There may be no expectations of them at home to occupy themselves with creative activities.  Such pursuits give them a sense of accomplishment and the opportunity for praise. 
  
  
  Kids may not be given the attention they need by parents, both in quality and quantity time.  Kids may be hungry because of unhealthy food and irregular meal times.  They may be tired because no set bed times are in place, and too much television is watched or computer games played.  The family often does not have in place the necessary values or principles that teach the importance of respect, loyalty, forgiveness, trust, honesty, obedience and integrity.
  
  
  You can achieve a peaceful home with happy, healthy children if you take an honest look at why your kids are misbehaving and make amends to meet these needs. 

  HEROES TO MENTION

• Corrie Ten Boom who turned her shocking prison experience into triumph when she forgave her attackers.  She turned her negative experiences into positives all her life and survived.
• Helen Keller, born deaf and blind, yet she overcame her disabilities with the help of a wonderful friend who helped her to communicate despite her issues.
• Disabled Olympians who show their incredible skills in all fields of athletics.
• Sports women and men who have had limbs amputated, yet go back out there with prosthetic limbs and bravely carry on as if they are fully functioning.

All of the above teaches kids to believe in themselves to the extent that when they are teased or bullied at school, they shrug it off because they know that they KNOW they are overcomers.  Find heroes (with similar disabilities as your child) who have overcome their difficulties so it gives hope that they too, can achieve great things. 

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families