SHOULD KIDS' BEDROOMS BE PRIVATE?

 I have heard arguments for and against parents ‘invading their kids’ space’.

Yes, I agree that children should have a place that they call their own.

A child's bedroom is:

• Their sanctuary. 
• Their own special place to play, read, rest and sleep without being disturbed. 
• A place to set up tea parties for their dolls or create castles and dragons.
• A place where they keep all the stuff that is dear to them.
• A place where girls write their diaries and boys plan their next escapades. 
• A place where they can play with their friends or just daydream.

Tidiness:
I have heard many parents say the kids’ bedrooms are their own domain and if they
can live in what resembles an ‘explosion in a mattress factory’ then so be it!
I disagree. I think that children need to be taught that respect includes keeping their
rooms tidy. They need to learn to care for their own stuff and know that everything
has a place … other than the floor, the bed or the doorknob. Part of teaching children
to be tidy involves parents inspecting their bedrooms every week.

Safety:
For their own safety, you need to know what is going on in every room in your home.
For that reason your children need to understand that you will inspect their rooms
whenever you choose. Too many times we have seen on the news that kids have been
experimenting with explosives, drugs or been looking at pornography on the TVs or
computers in their bedrooms. I can’t think of one time that parents, upon being questioned
by the media, have had any idea their kids were into illegal, unsafe or unsavory practices
in their own home.

 Our responsibility:
As parents we have the responsibility, to the best of our ability, to keep our children, our
home and our immediate neighborhood safe. In order to achieve this, we must be aware
of everything that is going on under our own roof and particularly in the ‘privacy’ of our
kids’ bedrooms. We should observe our children’s behavior and monitor their friendships.

Bedrooms need to be a fun, safe and peaceful place to be. We need to teach our kids not only
to keep them tidy, but also to be prepared for the fact that we will come in and check them at
frequent intervals.

By Sally Burgess

ENCOURAGING YOUR CHILD'S POTENTIAL

How can we find those special gifts and talents in our children?  What approach will bring out the very best in them?  Think about your own childhood.  Did you have a particular teacher who knew just how to get the best work from you?  How did he/she do it? Did you have a parent, family member or friend who instilled the kind of confidence and belief in yourself that you surpassed your wildest dreams?

We are created with the 'ingredients' to do the most amazing things, yet most of us never really reach our true potential.  We need to help our kids discover the skills and talents where they really excel.  How do we do that? 

The do's:

• From the time they are toddlers we can observe what they seem to be most interested in, or show aptitude in doing and encourage that.  
• When they start school we observe where they shine.  We get them into activities that will enhance their talents even further.  
• We make sure that their lives are balanced between their favorite activities, their school work and home responsibilities.
• We need to give each child the same opportunities.
• Kids want role models from within the family.  They want heroes.  
• Kids need to see us working towards self-fulfillment so they might get caught up in pursuing the same.  It is never too late to follow your dreams.
• We all respond to encouragement and recognition.  Kids, especially, need praise for effort NOT just for success.

The dont's:

• It is vital not to push our kids into activities they are not suited to.  If it isn't working for them, try something else.  We are helping them find their potential, not living our own unfulfilled dreams through them.
• We shouldn't fall into the trap of buying them 'every instrument in the orchestra' when they are just not into music.  Just one activity at a time is what they need.  They can't become excellent in any one thing if they have too many irons in the fire.
• We must not be unrealistic.  Our expectations for our children need to be high, but not crushing.  There is nothing worse than never feeling good enough.  They need to just do THEIR best, not be THE best.

When children excel they feel a great sense of satisfaction.  They receive praise and recognition from others which naturally gives them confidence.  Through it all, they learn several important things - patience, persistence and a deep sense that they they are using the abilities they were destined to pursue (not that they could vocalize that).  They, with your help and encouragement, their teachers recognition and other significant people's contributions help define their potential and set them on the road to fulfillment.

By Sally Burgess

TABLE TALK

As we are enjoying meeting up with our friends and relatives down here in New Zealand and Australia, food seems to be a very common centerpiece for our conversation.  It got me thinking about the value of table talk.  When else is there time to just sit and talk face to face about your day, to share exciting news, give or receive a word of encouragement or enjoy just good old companionship?  Doesn't it feel great to be asked about your current project, your plans for the holidays/vacation, your job, the movie you just saw, your night out or the cat?  Someone cares!

Statistics have shown that the habit of eating meals at the table even, if only several nights a week, makes a huge positive difference to teen behavior.  Why is that?  I think it is because social conversation around a meal allows kids to share their opinions, talk about their successes and listen to others.  They feel valued. They feel their contribution to the family is special.  These times together also allow parents to quietly observe the mood of their children, and perhaps, through quiet individual discussion later, head off potential issues.

Table talk should be fun and never used as an opportunity for parents to reel off all the negative things their kids have done during the day.  That is not fair because it is an embarrassment to the individual concerned and makes the rest of the family feel very uncomfortable.  Reprimands should be kept to a 'one-on-one' session with the child concerned where the situation can be properly discussed.  Don't be a 'Debbie downer' when it comes to mealtimes with the family.  This is a valuable time, without the TV on, to enjoy your family along with the great meal that has been prepared. 

Bon appetit.


By Sally Burgess
 

TIPS TO ENCOURAGE GREAT STUDY HABITS IN YOUR KIDS

1. Create a positive attitude in your kids.

• From their very early years, kids need to understand that learning is exciting and fun.  By reading them books and encouraging imaginative play - with boxes, plain paper, crayons, egg cartons, yarn, pipe cleaners, building blocks etc,  they get a real sense of accomplishment when they have invented something for themselves.
• Let your kids see that you like to learn new things, too.  They love to see your excitement when you achieve a goal.
• Kids who are constantly praised for positive steps in their learning will want to succeed.

2. Be involved in the kid's play and school work.

• Kids love to please you.  They want you to be interested in what they are learning about at home and at school.   They need your enthusiasm and your guidance.
• One-on-one time with your kids is priceless. 

3.  Establish study routines.

• Allow kids time to wind down when they come home from school.  Don't plague them with questions about their day the minute they walk in the door unless you want one word answers.
• Set a specific time for your kids to start homework each day, preferably before chores.
• Make a minimum study period each day so that even if they say they do not have homework, this time is set aside for them to read, create or revise.
• Where possible, be available to assist with homework especially in the preteen years.  As they advance through high school, they do need to become independent in their study, but it is still important for them to see that you are interested in what they are studying and give assistance where you can.

4. Provide conditions conducive to effective study.

• If possible, provide a quiet atmosphere with a table or desk and good light.
• Alleviate distractions such as phone, TV, radio, Ipods, MP3s or other people making noise around them.

5. Teach effective study skills.

• Study skills can be readily found by searching the internet.  These skills will help them retain information and therefore improve their understanding and grades.

By Sally Burgess

WHO SAID THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FAILURE?

I don't know why the word 'failure' is such a taboo word these days.  People do fail and therefore have to learn how to deal with it.  By not acknowledging failure we are ignoring the fact that it is real, that it hurts and that it causes loss of time, money, a job, a race or a game for example.  Most of all we lose self confidence.

How should we deal with failure?

Acknowledge it - e.g. you had a goal and missed it; you tried to do something and it didn't work; you failed an exam; you didn't meet someone's expectations.

Evaluate the situation - What happened? Why did it happen? - was I not well enough prepared? Did I just not do a good enough job? Was I trying to do do too many things at once and didn't give enough time to it? Did I make the wrong decision?

Accept It - Acknowledge, accept and allow for feelings hurt and personal disappointment.

Plan for it - Work out a plan to fix it or do better next time.

Points to consider in helping ourselves and our kids deal with failure:
a) If we find ourselves immediately blaming someone else for the failure, we are not being realistic about our part in the situation and are therefore not accepting responsibility.
b) If we get stuck in the hurt and disappointment phase, we can easily wallow in the failure, never repair our self esteem and never experience the satisfaction of reaching the goal we first set off to achieve.
c) We are not always in control of success.  We can be totally prepared to win a race but someone else just happens to be better than us.  We may apply for a job but someone else has more experience or qualifications than we do.We cannot always be THE best but we can always DO our best.
d) We need to have realistic expectations of our children and not set the bar so high that the goals are impossible to achieve.
c) It is a good idea to have a friend or mentor help us get back on track after failure.  That person will help us set goals, keep on task and be there to celebrate our subsequent successes.

by Sally Burgess

A FRESH NEW YEAR

It's that time of year again when we all reflect on last year's achievements or failures and try to make a plan to do it better this time around. The change might be eating healthier, exercising more, going for that promotion, taking that coveted vacation, having children or becoming a grandparent, graduating, getting married or doing that thing you've always been too scared to do.

Whatever you want to achieve this year, make one of your goals to be the best parent, grandparent, son, daughter, brother or sister you can be. When I strive to continually improve as a person, I know that I positively affect everything and everyone else around me. Enthusiasm and drive are infectious and people want to be around those who push themselves to be better. It's also healthy to be around people who encourage us to want to do greater things.

So, in saying that, if you're struggling with parenting and/or marriage, be the one who takes a step in the direction of positive change. If it's broken, it's obviously not working and needs to be healed. We are all inherently selfish and want others to change. However, we can only change ourselves, and in so doing, make our own lives and homes happier. Decide how to actively work on making changes. If you are not sure how to get there, look at someone you admire and ask them how they do it.

My challenge to you is this. Wake up every morning and think how you can make other people's lives better today. When we do this, we create a safe and loving environment that has no room for negativity, breakdowns and strife. A person who feels loved will love others.

These are my personal goals for this year:
* To be a more patient and less frustrated parent. With two toddlers, it's easy to get agitated and reactive.
* To teach my children about giving to others in need. I plan to help support several causes that will help children in impoverished nations and also widows in nations that don't take care of their own. If my children don't see me do it, they may never know what it means to think of anybody but themselves.
* To wake up every morning and think how I can make my family and others feel more positive about themselves and how I can give them the tools to get there.

Happy New Year everyone. I pray that this is a fantastic year for you. If it's a trying year, I pray that God will have mercy and give you the strength to stand strong through it all. You have us as a family to lean on and we love you very much.


Lots of love,

Kristee Mays (Forefront Families)

a

HOW DID THAT FAMILY GET SUCH WELL BEHAVED CHILDREN??

Have you ever looked at someone else's family and thought, "How on earth do they get their kids to be so well behaved all the time?" As you know it doesn't just happen.  There is no 'Genie in a bottle'.  It is hard work.

It has a little bit to do with the child's temperament they were born with. Some parents are lucky in that way, but even those angel-faced kids have moments of pushing boundaries and causing your blood pressure to rise to boiling point. But what do you do if you have a child or children born with a strong will and feisty behavior?  One, that from the moment they were born they were a handful. These children have been affectionately termed as "high needs" and given a bad rap from day one.

It is important to remember that the goal of your children is not to make you miserable. They are often just acting out of pain, frustration, boredom, and/or anger. Children haven't learned to be conniving and vindictive yet. They are simply acting from instinct. Our human instinct is to survive and be loved. That goal, in and of itself, leans towards selfishness. We know what we want and we want it now! When someone tells us we can't have it, it makes us desire it more. We are very persistent beings until we are distracted by something more appealing or coerced to believe we don't really want or need the thing we hunger for. 

So, with that said, parents who have angel kids at the restaurant that just sit there and eat their dinner without drawing negative attention are very blessed. Those children are a product of both nature and nurture. They have been taught the right way to behave in public. I'm sure there were many times they misbehaved on the way to being the angel face you see today.

Consistent parenting is the key. Here's what you can do:

* Decide on the values you want for your family e.g. honesty, loyalty, obedience, forgiveness,
   integrity, trust
* From those values, explain your expectations to your children.  What will these values 
   look like in your home?
* Train your children and allow them to make mistakes
* Praise them for getting things right. It is far better than constantly being negative
* Give them responsibility around the home
* Set consequences - the more severe should be reserved for those values you feel most  
   strongly about
* Be consistent - both parents must stand together. Don't over-react to the little things

Your children want to please you, so it is vital to give them lots of quality time, praise, love, and intellectual and physical stimulation. If they are a small child and have little attention, they tend to get bored and act out. When they are a teen and have too much time on their hands, it is easy for them to drift along with peers that are similarly bored or angry and get into trouble. As children's needs are met, you will find less protest or rebellion from them. (Of course, I'm not talking about kids that may have a behavioral disorder. They have an entirely different set of issues that cannot be dealt with in the same way).

This is a topic that cannot be fully addressed or answered in a small blog post. There are so many different dynamics that come into play including divorce, loss, abuse, spoiling, medical conditions of family members, city or country of residence, community support and so on. If you have a contribution or question concerning this topic please feel free to comment below on this blog or go to our Forum and pose a question.


Here is an interesting article from the United Kingdom:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk-children-are-among-worlds-best-behaved-1084597.html



We believe successful families are

1. Parent directed

2. Family oriented

3 Outwardly focused

By Kristee Mays and Sally Burgess

9 WAYS TO ENCOURAGE YOUR KIDS TO CLEAN UP

Provide and label boxes for toys and other item storage:
If there are spaces or containers already allotted for toys, clothes, bikes etc, it is much more tempting to put them away.

Set rules:
When your kids have finished with one set of toys, they should put them away before setting up something else.  When they take their clothes off after school or at night they should put them away at the time.

Tell them AND show them what to do:
Model your expectations.  Be a tidy bunny yourself. From a very young age kids can be shown how to fold up their clothes and put them in a drawer. They can also put toys in designated places. You can show them which clothes should be hung on a hanger or placed in a drawer and then watch them do it.

Give them plenty of warning:
It is not reasonable to expect a child who is totally engrossed in something to suddenly stop and clean up. Instead say, “In 15 minutes it will be dinner time and I want you to have put your toys away before we eat.”  Do not plead.  State what you want done clearly and the timing in which you want it done.

Praise them for doing a good job:
Kids love to please you. Say, “Thank you for picking up all your toys when I asked and for doing it willingly.  I appreciate it and now we have time to...”  When you recognize their efforts by telling them they have done a great job they will want to keep pleasing you.

Create incentives to comply:
“When you have cleaned up your room you can ask Jennie over to play.”
“When you have picked up your toys we will make that cake I promised.”
Note: Do not offer your kids money to do chores around the house.  They should understand that we work together to make the house tidy and clean as part of being a family.

Reduce the distractions:
If they are being slow, turn off the TV or take away whatever else is distracting them.


Set consequences for non-compliance:
Tell them beforehand what the consequences will be e.g. “There will be no going out to play until your room is tidy/these toys are put away.” Stick to your guns.  Tell them once only.  Make sure they are listening.  Have them repeat what you just said if necessary.  Be consistent. The minute you weaken, you have lost. 

Don’t do the job for them:
It is easy to fall into the trap of doing your kids’ work for them because it is quicker and easier that way.  Don’t do it – or you will be doing it forever and they won’t have learned those vital life skills!

5 WAYS TO HELP PREVENT PUBLIC MELTDOWNS

 1. Have a plan – think ahead about your child’s needs.
- Are they tired before you start shopping?  Do they need a nap?
- Are they hungry – have you got food and drink with you?
- Are they in pain? Are they unconfortable - too hot - too cold?
- Have you got things to distract them?
- If they get agitated what will you do - do you have an exit plan?

2. Discuss Expectations - If they are old enough to comprehend, before you set off for the store tell them where you are going
and what your expectations for their behavior will be.

3. Treat or no treat? - Let your child know beforehand that if they behave as you have asked, you will reward them. Rather than a treat at the store (which is costly and sets you up for potential future meltdowns at the store) you could exchange the reward for something good at home.  "Because you have done as I asked; you walked without running ahead, you didn't touch things on the shelves and you didn't ask for a treat at the store, I am going to let you choose what you want for dinner tonight. Or, I am going to let you have more time playing in the bath. Or, I am going to read you two stories at bedtime."

4. Watch for the signs of agitation -  If you've checked all the above scenarios and the meltdown is already starting, try distracting them with fun activities like, "Who can spot the first person wearing a hat?" Or, "What colors do you see?" etc...If nothing is working and they are now having a full-fledged meltdown, remove them as quickly as possible. Calm yourself – count to 20 slowly. When your child stops crying, explain your expectations again. Depending on their behavior, continue shopping or take them home. Be prepared that you may have to cut your shopping trip short and deal with their behavior. It's a pain, but worth it in the long run.

5. Praise good behavior - Kids love to please you. Verbal praise is often more meaningful and longer lasting than treats as a reward for meeting your expectations. There's nothing wrong with giving store treats every now and then, but kids will often learn to expect a treat every time, which in turn, becomes bribery. It's important to teach kids from an early age that life is not like that in the real world. We are shaping their own set of expectations from day one.

What are some of the ways you have successfully prevented or dealt with a public meltdown?