NO MORE 'MR BAD GUY'

I don't know how many times we have heard a parent say the following:

            "I started off trying to be a great parent, but then I realized my spouse and I were 
             not being consistent.  He/she would not back me up on disciplinary issues.  I always 
             seem to end up being the 'bad guy' because I am the only one following through with
             consequences."

It is surprisingly easy to become lopsided when it comes to your parenting management, particularly when it comes to disciplinary action.

REASONS FOR INCONSISTENCY BETWEEN PARENTS
1.  There was never any agreement in regard to parenting methodology that includes disciplinary   
     responses and the demonstration of affection. 
 
2. There was little or no discussion or agreement regarding the most important values and 
     behavioral expectations in relation to those values.

3. There was no agreement to back each other up over parenting decisions.

4.  If there was an agreement, then the commitment was not demonstrated by one parent.

The results of any of the above are likely to be over-compensation on the part of one parent to 
ensure the expectations are met.  One parent becomes the disciplinarian while the other is the 'shield'.  

OVER-COMPENSATION NEVER WORKS
1. Kids automatically  gravitate towards the 'weakest link' and try to play one parent off 
    against the other.
2. Kids do not respect a weak parent and will often become afraid of the strict parent.
3. The leadership and authority within the home is not balanced and therefore is NOT 
    presenting a united front.  One is always the 'bad guy' and the other, the 'good guy'.
4. The weak parent may make undermining remarks to the kids about their strict parent 
     e.g. "Don't worry, Susie,  Mum's just in a bad mood.  She'll cool off soon."  
5. Siding with kids puts a wedge between parents.  One is carrying all the disciplinary 
    responsibility.  The strict parent is made out to be unfair or mean by the weak parent who 
    is siding with the kids, thus reducing themselves to 'child' status in the process.

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE 
1. Recognize what is happening and agree to stand together on disciplinary style and 
    family management.
2. Talk through the reasons above and settle on the expectations you have of your kids and 
    yourselves.
3. Discuss the changes with your children and tell them that from now on, as parents,
    you stand together on decisions.
4. Model your agreed behavior.

Written by Sally Burgess