THE BOND BETWEEN GRANDPARENTS AND GRANDKIDS

It is indeed a wonderful thing to have strong grandparental influence in our lives.  I have vivid and lovely memories of my Mom's Mom, Nanny.  She had purple hair (although lilac would be more accurate), was always beautifully dressed, wore pearls and had a lovely tinkly chuckle.  I really only knew her up until I turned 9 years old, after which time we moved to another country. We loved to go to her house when we were very small and play checkers.  One day I put one of the little game balls in my mouth and discovered we were playing with candy!!!!  Funny, the things you remember. Unfortunately, I never really knew my other grandmother or either of my grandfathers.

I love being a grandparent.  My husband and I enjoy spending time with them.  We 'Ooh' and 'Aah' at all the things they proudly show us.  We try to keep up with them when they play in the park or ride their bicycles and we join in when they build Lego towers and such.  Although we have grandchildren in two countries, we do see our far away grandkids on Skype and in pictures.  Thanks to Face Book we are up to date with most of their adventures and we see them personally for about a month every year.

GRANDPARENTS PLAY AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN CHILDREN'S LIVES:
You remember Little Red Riding Hood?

"Oh, Grandmother, what big eyes you have!"

1. Grandparents are observant.

•  We see when our kids need a break from their children for a while.
•  We watch the grandkids play and watch over them when they sleep over.
•  We observe when our grandkids are happy and when they are sad or troubled.

"Oh, Grandmother, what big ears you have!"

2. Grandparents listen.

• We have the time to listen to their stories and their adventures.
• We offer emotional support by being 'a soft place for our grandchildren to land' and to talk over concerns they may have. 
• We offer physical support by being there when parents cannot be. 

3. Grandparents are role models and trainers.

•  We show by example and train from experience.
•  We help them make wise decisions. 
•  We confirm the values that our grandkids are being taught by their parents.

For much more helpful information on the greatness of grandparenting, check out our free EBook of the same title, by going to the top left side of our blog home page and clicking on 'Special Offer' Free E Booklets.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

   

   

CHASING DOWN THE LITTER BUGS!

We live in a semi-rural area over by Percy Priest Lake, in Nashville, Tennessee and we often take a walk in the early evening.  The scenery is beautiful.  The trees are green and the air is fresh and clear. The birds sing and all seems to be well with the world.  Then we look down.  Lying in the gutters, berms and drains all along the roadside is trash, obviously thrown from passing vehicles.  Why would anyone be so thoughtless in littering this beautiful environment?

My husband has just come in from mowing the roadside frontage of our property and has picked up 40-50lbs of trash such as bottles, cans, fast food boxes and plastic bags.  He even scored a set of nice sunglasses!  Where do these litter bugs come from?  They come from homes where other litter bugs live.  This is where they learned to be one.

TRUE STORY

I remember reading a true story in a New Zealand newspaper.  A gas pump attendant was filling a customer’s tank when the driver opened his window and emptied all his trash, cigarette butts and all, out on the forecourt.  He then closed the window. The attendant quietly swept it all into a little dust pan and knocked on the car window.  When the driver opened the window, the attendant said, ‘Excuse me, Sir, I think this is yours!", and promptly tipped the contents back into the car.  YES!

What does it take to create a concern for our environment?  We need to look at our own attitude as adults.   Do we understand that trees, plants, and little greeblies are here for a purpose and need an unpoluted environment, too?  Everything is placed on this earth to give us a greater quality of life. When we have an appreciation for our surroundings, then we can train our children to be the same.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

• Lead by example.
• Show them that respect does not only relate to people, but also includes the nurture of our environment.
• Train our kids early to pick up their stuff and discard trash in recepticals, NOT on the ground. 
• Take our kids out in the community with trash bags periodically.  By doing this they will get an appreciation of how much easier it is to put trash in cans in the first place, instead of just tossing their stuff out windows.
• Encourage our kids to plant a little garden or a tree.  Make them responsible for looking after it and watching it grow.  They will learn to protect it and water it.  By understanding what it takes for those plants to grow, they will be less likely to thoughtlessly damage tree limbs, stand or ride over garden plants and such like. 

We also need to teach our kids that, not only are we responsible for dealing with our own trash, but sometimes that of others.  Brian used to supervise the school cafeteria.  If he asked a child to pick up lunch trash where the owner could not be identified, the response usually was, "I’m not picking that up.  I never put it there."  Of course, they did pick it up, but not before major protest.  We're talking about being a good citizen here, and it's often a hard lesson to learn because of our selfish nature.

The environment belongs to all of us. We need to care for and protect it – not just for ourselves but for future generations. Our kids are part of that future and their kids need to learn the same important value.  It is all a matter of respect.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families 

FLEXIBLE PARENTING

We heard a great talk by our Pastor yesterday on family values (my pet subject) and one of his points was the importance of 'flexible parenting'.  'Flexible parenting'?  What did he mean by that? Is this the result of inconsistency?

I was most relieved when he explained that our disciplinary approach may need to vary since each child's makeup and personality type is so different.  The expected behavioral outcome is the same, but the means of getting there may be different.  That makes perfect sense to me.

I have always been amazed that children born of the same parents can be so vastly different in personality.  I had one strong-willed child and one compliant child.  One always did his homework without being told and the other had to be told many times before she would get to it.  Some kids respond by us taking away privileges.  Some respond to time-outs and some respond to spankings (Where it is permissible).

ONE METHOD DOES NOT SUIT ALL!
It is obvious that if one method doesn't work, then you try another.  However, kids often see this as unfair because the variable treatment is often perceived as favoring one child over another.  It is, therefore, important to explain to children that you require the same behavior from each child, but that you will use whatever means it takes to get the desired result.

PRIORITIZE EXPECTATIONS
It is also a good idea to work out what will be the most to the least important values or expectations in your home.  Respect and honesty are the highest on my list, so they deserve the highest level of discipline in the case of infringement.  Getting home from a friend's home a little later than you told them may mean a lesser degree of correction.

 PRAISE MUST OUTWEIGH CORRECTIVE ACTION
We need to recognize that when we are 'losing the plot' it is not the time to issue severe punishment.  Tempered with efforts to train our kids to be responsible, caring and respectful adults, is the need for love and praise.  I have heard it said that it takes four positives to overcome one negative action, so our  children need to have a lot more 'tokens' in their positive banks than they do negative ones.  In raising our kids there needs to be a balance between fun and training.  Too much fun and little responsibility breeds a sense of entitlement.  Too much training and little fun breeds rebellion.   

WHAT TO DO

• Both parents agree on disciplinary measures.
• Train our kids to meet our expectations.
• Praise them for doing things right.
• Explain the consequences of negative behavior.
• Be consistent in issuing consequences.
• Follow up by assuring our children that we love them. 
• Ensure that they understand that their actions are what caused disciplinary measures.   
• Reiterate your expectations and praise corrected behavior.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

MOTHERS ARE AWESOME

Every day is mothers’ day in my estimation. Why do we celebrate this only one day in the year?
Let me wax eloquent and put my feelings into prose......

Conception occurs and the bond begins
Within the womb a new life materializes
Imbued with a purpose and God–given gifts to match 
The child is ready to meet the world
Birth thrusts the baby into humanity’s domain 
To be nurtured and raised to fulfill destiny’s plan 
From earth’s greatest teacher, a mother’s love 
Smothers the infant and ensures a stable life
Unrequited, unconditional and always ready to serve
A mother’s love is as constant as the sun’s rising
Fathers sometimes come and go when things get too hard 
But a mother for life is all a woman understands
Through thick and thin, good times and bad 
Mother love clings like a vine to a tree 
Dependable, unshakeable, wounded then healed  
Her love remains when all else fails
God has given her a heart and strength
That knows no limits, or seems that way 
Sleepless at times and ensuring all are fed
She falls exhausted, happy that she’s served well
However old her child may be, there’s no limit 
To her love and devotion
Until she breathes her last air, she remains
A doting mother and friend

Thank you all mothers. You never give up on your children. It is you who makes this a better world. Though you get weary from the multi-tasking work you perform and the pain you can endure, you are precious in God’s sight. He made you that way. Your unselfish attitudes and your instinct to never give up are what set you apart. I know that there are some mothers who don’t fulfill their role well, but they are by far the minority.

 I honor and respect you. I’m sorry for the way too many of you have been treated by men. All of us can do better as parents and in our personal relationships. We should seek help to improve our skills, learning daily how to do it better.

Mothers usually end up raising their children and being the constant factor though families fall apart. I have seen so many single mothers doing an outstanding job with very little support and encouragement. Where most men would give up long ago, mothers battle on to ensure their kids reach their potential.

Footnote to men: I have met many men who are single parents and doing a fantastic job raising their kids, too. There are other men that may not have been solely responsible for the family breakup or had little to do with it, yet they have been denied custodial rights and would love to be raising their children. I honor you, too, but this article was about mothers.


Written by Brian Burgess, Forefront Families

WHAT'CHA GONNA BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

 EVERYONE'S GONNA BE SOMEBODY

This is an age-old acorn that everyone must have been asked as children. "What do you want to do when you grow up?" It really is fascinating to look back on our own childhood to see whether we had any aspirations and, if so, whether we actually fulfilled those dreams? It is a rather difficult question, because from childhood to the time we look for a career, myriads of new job options have been created while others may have disappeared.

When I was in high school, the majority of jobs offered to girls appeared to be nursing, teaching, banking, office-workers and sales assistants. For boys it was a wider range of jobs including, but not exclusively, teaching, banking, accounting, trade apprenticeships and office work. These days, because of the massive diversity in technology, the ‘world is our oyster’. In fact, many manual jobs have been taken over by robots replacing people manpower.

If you ask 5 year-old boys what they want to be when they grow up they will usually still want to be a fireman, policeman, racing car driver, digger driver, Bob the Builder, Superman, Spiderman or other terminator good guys. The children’s career choices at that age are directly influenced by the programs they see on TV. They act out their dreams through the use of action figures and toys they plead with their parents to buy in stores. It is all ‘brawn and bravery’! You don’t ever see the kids opting for a sedentary job, like sitting at a desk and doing office work. They see no excitement in that. Girls will usually still play with dolls and want to be a mommy, although these days their role models may be the likes of Strawberry Shortcake, Elsa or Anna (‘Frozen’ characters) or girl ‘terminator’-type action figures.

 TEENS ADRIFT WITH WONDER

My real reason for writing this blog is to say that I cannot believe the number of teens I come across who have absolutely no blind clue what they want to do vocationally. It is all, "I wonder...."  It is pretty sad to say to a thirty-year-old, “What are you going to do when you grow up?” Honestly, it is just plain sad! These ‘kids’ have usually gone to college on mom and dad’s dime. After all, their parents have been putting the money aside for their education since the day they were born and, ‘by hokey’, they are going to college whether they are capable and/or willing to go, or not.

PARENTS CAN BECOME 'DREAM CATCHERS'

How can we help our kids find their way to a satisfying work life? Here are some suggestions:

a) Watch them from the time they are around 5 years old. See what kind of play they gravitate
     towards. Are they really adept with their hands? Do they like jigsaws, reading, physical
     activity, playing with Lego, drawing or coloring? Maybe they like making things out of
     nothing e.g. egg cartons, pieces of wool and glue. Do they like inventing things, or are they
     really into singing or trying to play a musical instrument? (Don't be tempted to buy them every
     instrument in the orchestra!).

b) Take them to various places that might interest them. Do they like camping, playing a
     particular sport, or going to the symphony? Some of these places of interest may not become
     their full-time vocation, but if they want to participate it will teach them about setting and
     reaching goals, perfecting skills, and learning how to deal with failure as well as success. It also
     teaches a child to be persistent and not give up.

c) When the children get to early high school, take them to a vocational counselor and get as many
     pamphlets and ideas for careers as possible. See if you can book some time for them to be able
     to visit a place of interest e.g. a legal office or court, a graphic design studio, a recording studio,
     a hospital or a building site. Also, try to find people who are in the vocations of interest and ask
     if they will talk with your son or daughter and answer any questions they may have.

d) Get your child to visit a university as well as go on-line and see what educational pathways would
     be necessary to fulfill their dream.

 REMEMBER, IT IS THEIR LIFE - NOT YOURS!

Allow time for your child to really explore options and be prepared for them to change their mind.
Whatever career they decide to follow you should expect your child to do the best they possibly can.
That means they do THEIR best and it may not end up being the top grade in the class. No matter
what job they go for, the boss is going to require excellent workmanship and great attitudes.


If you have any questions on this subject, do not hesitate to contact us at sally@forefrontfamilies.org
and obtain more helpful advice on our website at www,forefrontfamilies.org


Written by Sally Burgess
Photograph compliments of Kristee Mays

REBEL WITHOUT 'APPLAUSE'

PHIL'S STORY

A 50 year old man named Phil told the following story about how he learned the hard way to 'straighten up and fly right'.

Phil said he was bullied as a child.  Because he was picked on he developed the mentality of being a 'loser', so it seemed to him that getting negative attention was better than none.

As he grew older he learned how to 'needle' his father just to get a reaction.  Strange as it may seem, he was feeding off his father's fury.  On many occasions he was grounded as a high school student, but found a way of getting out of the house without his parents knowing.  One of his plans was to get the long ladder from the shed and place it under a vacant upstairs bedroom window at the back of the house, out of sight.  Then he would tell his parents he was going to bed early.  He would get out onto the roof and slide over to where the ladder was, get down and walk a couple of blocks to where his girlfriend was waiting in a car.  They would park and he would eventually come back home about 1:00 a.m.   When he got home he would go out and take the ladder down, put it back in the shed and then go to bed.  (He was confident he would never be found out because his father would never go upstairs because he didn't want to know what went on up there.  (Now, there's a big mistake!)  This escape system went on for some time until one night he forgot to take the ladder down and his Dad found it leaning up against the wall.  He said that, at the time, he was working during the school holidays on a building site.  His father strode through the building and found Phil outside smoking.  Now his father could enforce a double whammy!  He was grounded for the rest of the holidays.

WHAT CURED PHIL OF HIS REBELLIOUS BEHAVIOR?

One day, after yet another episode, Phil's father approached him and with his lip quivering and tears starting to flow he said, "Phillip, I just don't know what to do with you any more."  Phil said he was so shocked at seeing his father being so distraught that he fell into his fathers arms and they both sobbed.  Phil said to his father, "I will never cause you a problem again." He never did.  It took his father's tears to make him realize how selfish he had been and how his mean spirit had hurt the person he really loved the most.

HOW DO WE AVOID REBELLIOUS BEHAVIOR IN OUR KIDS?

Kids need:
1. To know and feel that they are loved and valued as individuals.
2. To know what the parental expectations are AND why they were drawn up.
3. Our interest, attention, encouragement and praise in their everyday lives.
4. Boundaries, consequences and consistent responses to their negative behavior.
5. To know the effect that their words and actions have on others - both positive and negative.
6. To know how to choose and maintain healthy, positive friendships.
7. To be confident enough to tell parents of worries and concerns they have.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

KIDS AND 'COMMON SENSE'

The term, 'using our common sense' implies that we should know things without being told. I do not believe we develop common sense by osmosis, but rather, we have to learn common sense the same way as we learn anything.  Some of it comes through observation, but most of it is literally the result of being taught what to do and why we do it.  Our decisions are formulated from previous experience, what we already know, training and experimentation. It is called, making an 'educated' choice.

If you watch 'America's Funniest Home Videos' you will see that, in most cases, people have not thought through an action or activity, and some calamity occurs. It certainly appears that they have not learned 'common sense'!

Here are some examples:
A.
My aunt decided she would get a better view of the ocean if she climbed on top of the toilet seat lid to look out through a high window.  Common sense would have alerted her to the fact that her body weight was far greater than the plastic lid was designed to hold.  As a result, she fell through the toilet seat, badly injuring her shins.  Her common sense was on the same vacation as she was!

B.
The inexperienced fisherman who recently took a small sail boat out into the gulf for a week to catch fish, seriously lacked common sense when he did not supply authorities with a required 'float plan' prior to setting sail and was not experienced in handling his boat in rough seas.  He was extremely fortunate that he did use some ingenuity in being able to stay alive for 66 days until he was rescued.  He has now hopefully learned some common sense.

C.
The boy who decided to jump off a roof, onto a trampoline which would then propel him into a pool did not think about what could go wrong but was egged on by his friends. His lack of common sense in considering the injuries he might incur, was completely clouded by his need to show off to his friends.

D.
A child being shot by a loaded gun inside a house clearly shows that common sense was not in evidence in allowing a loaded gun to be anywhere within a child's reach.  In fact, having a loaded gun lying around, period, showed no common sense. 

Common sense is subjective.  It can be affected by many things.  For this reason we have laws, rules and policies in place to protect people e.g.  secure 4' fencing around pools helps prevent small children from falling in and drowning.  The speed limit is there to control speed and intersection lights to prevent people getting injured.  Gun licenses are required to ensure owners use them safely.

Children are not born with common sense!

HOW DO WE TEACH OUR KIDS 'COMMON SENSE'?

1. We teach our kids 'cause and effect' from their earliest years. "The fire is hot."  "It feels hot
     when we go near it."  "Do not go near the fire because it could burn you."  "That hurts!"

2. We learn by others' mistakes by teaching our children what went wrong and why and how
     to use appropriate wisdom in those particular circumstances.

3. We demonstrate common sense through wise decision making in our every day lives.

4. We prepare our children for possible problems before they attempt to execute their plans.
     a) "Before you go camping check all your gear is working, take your phone, charge it
         when and if you can, tell us where you are going and for how long.  Always stay
         together.  Take enough food for twice the length of time you are out.  Take a first aid
         kit."
     b) "You are going to Susie's party.  Will you know everyone there?  Will parents be
          there? What happens when people drink?  If you feel uncomfortable for any reason,
          call us and we will come and get you."

5. We set curfews and tell our kids why.  I had to be home by 11 p.m. on weekends and I knew
    that if I didn't get through the door by that time, my father would be out looking for me.
    Those were the days when we had no phones, so I felt safer knowing that he cared.

6. We list a general set of guidelines to help our children prepare for most occasions.  Ask yourself:
     a) Is this activity safe?  Has it been done safely before?  Am I endangering my life or the
         life of others?
     b) Do I have the correct information, working gear, means of communication, money, protection
          or supplies to fulfill this mission?
     c) Would my parents be happy about me doing this?
     d) Does anyone know where I am and who I am with? 
     e) Are there directions or rules that I must follow?  Am I breaking the law?

We do not want our kids to learn by trial and error. "You will know not to do that next time!" is not
a very useful tool to use.  Of course, we cannot predict and prepare our children for
every scenario, but we can prepare them for many situations.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families