'NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!' - REALLY?

You have often heard the saying, 'Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it'.  That really got me thinking the other night when I couldn't sleep.  For one thing, it was my mind buzzing that was stopping me sleeping!

IS 'ANYTHING' POSSIBLE?

Yes, I would have to say almost anything IS possible - with conditions.  Some things we have complete control over and some things we don't.  Things are achievable when we are physically and/or intellectually capable and some are not.  Immediately, I think of the miraculous achievements of people like Wilma Rudolph and Dr. Glen Cunningham who had, at one time, been crippled and yet with enormous effort, won Olympic athletic medals.  Yes, there will always be those outstanding stories.

WHAT COMPONENTS ARE NECESSARY FOR SUCCESS?

1. The will - the 'what' and the 'why?' - made up of vision, belief or confidence in one's ability
    and determination not to give up.
2. The means - the 'how' e.g. goals, plan, support (financial, emotional), equipment, time and
    physical and/or emotional fitness.
3. The opportunity - the 'when' - the vehicle to be able to attain a goal e.g the event, climate,
    circumstances, location e.g. the rock face, calm seas, the classes offered to fulfill required
    educational qualifications to become a 'specialist'.

THE UNEVEN PLAYING FIELD

There are some goals we can have complete control over e.g. the courses are there, the exams set, then you pass or you don't pass.  But sometimes we cannot control the results e.g. we enter a singing competition, go for a job or run a race.  We have no control over the mindset of those judging us or who else will be in the race.  All we can do is our best and see what happens.  This is where determination comes in.

NOT GIVING UP

If we have set goals, we need to also include contingencies such as the subjectivity of those in control of results.  You can work at making it more and more impossible to be excluded from winning.  When I entered The Country Music Entertainer of The Year, I knew it would be a long haul.  I studied my judging sheets carefully and worked on the negatives.  I made sure the songs I entered with were strong (showing the best of my voice) and I didn't give up until I won, even though I knew that the results were influenced by subjectivity.

WHAT ABOUT FAILURE?

We do not want to set ourselves or our children up to fail.  We cannot allow ourselves to try and live our unrequited dreams out though our children.  We need to choose our own dreams to follow.  If we or our children try out some activity and we are just not reaching our goals, then there is no shame in trying something similar or completely different, until we find the right fit.

The greatest shame is to look back on a life of missed opportunities, the feeling of exhilaration in our successes - be they big or small.  Make sure you find your mission or dream and explore all the possibilities.  My friend Jim climbing the rock face in the picture, has been heavily into physical challenge  for many years.  He has also introduced his children to similar sports.  What a great role model he has been, and if any of his kids had not wanted to be involved in such a physical sport I know he would have helped them explore their own aspirations.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families
Photo supplied by Jim Giordano

REACTING TO FAILURE

It has been indeed alarming to see and hear the backlash occurring because of the choice of leadership in our country this week.  This blog is not the place to discuss personal preference with the leadership itself, but it is most disturbing to witness the violence on the streets and the reaction of students now that the opportunity for the first woman President for the USA has not materialized. Some students are so distraught that they are begging their professors to allow them to go to a crying room, or skip or postpone mid-term exams because they are far too upset to think straight.

NEW YORK POST: Liberal college students, devastated over the results of the election, have been begging their teachers to cancel classes and midterm exams — and one Yale professor happily obliged on Wednesday.

A friend on Face Book made these remarks:

              “When I first read about this yesterday, I was greatly disturbed. The students’
               Professor is doing his students a complete disservice in not allowing them to
               learn how to function in the wake of disappointment and further encouraging
               their entitlement mentality. In the real world we have bad news every day and
               we have to learn how to work through that news. If the students were properly
               prepared for the exam, and this being real life, it would make no difference.

               College grades are good, but even more important is navigating life. The best
               grades in the world won’t matter if you perform poorly on a job (due to some
               major disappointment). I’m concerned that students who are being thus
               mollycoddled, may never meet their highest potential in life.”   Karen Wevick

We need to teach our kids to act responsibly despite what is happening around them.  I am not talking about a personal tragedy, but rather, general national or territorial disturbances.  It is not appropriate to create a riot or break the law to protest decisions.  Peaceful demonstrations are one thing, but causing damage to property, injury or even death to prove a point is not the way to handle it.

We need to show our kids how to work through disappointments, injustices and disagreements.  They will mirror whatever we do.  They need to learn from us that everything is not always going to go our way.  Bullying behavior, violence and hate speech solves nothing.  We need to stop and think hard before lashing out against a situation.

Written by Sally Burgess with comment by Karen Wevick

FATHERS SHAPE OUR NATION

‘Fatherlessness’ has caused repercussions in our society that we did not anticipate twenty years ago. While many marriages have always broken down, divorce and reconstituted marriage is almost pandemic in its proportions. Mothers have born the brunt of raising children alone and have generally done a great job. However, the lack of fathers in homes has led to a generation where a percentage of adolescents are running wild in the community, some even killing each other. Father modeling is just not available to many youths who so desperately need a positive example to exemplify what ‘being a man’ and ‘being a father’ is all about.

OVER-COMPENSATION

Many mothers have overindulged their sons, partially as an over-compensation for not having a father around. Sons are not expected to pick up after them selves, to cook, or to do other household chores. This is hardly fair on the woman they eventually marry who certainly doesn’t want to be the man’s mother figure and do for him what he has expected his mother to do.

Further to this, even fathers in good marriages have not always had effective modeling from their fathers and we men tend to pass down to our children what we know and have experienced. Many baby boomers’ parents were influenced by child psychologist, John B. Watson. He was influential after World War 1 and right up to the post WW2 era. His philosophy was one of austerity and lack of affection by parents towards their children. To him it was sufficient for a parent to shake their child’s hand in the morning and to give them a peck on the forehead in the evening while in their bed “lest they drown in mother love.”

THEN THERE WAS SPOCK!

Spock came forward with his unmitigated child-centered philosophy and the western civilization swallowed it hook, line and sinker. It was so refreshingly different and empowered parents to have a relationship with their children they felt they could never have before. Stemming from the indulgence of the Dr. Spock (not Star Wars!) era many baby boomer fathers are the result of our parents’ pendulum swing to the opposite extreme. From authoritarianism to indulgence. From a position of parent centered to child centered family management. From being seen but not heard, to children having input into family life. From being the child in a family to being in charge.

THE HIPPY ERA!

The hippy era with its ‘free love, drugs and rock ‘n roll’ is seen by many as the result of the ‘anything goes’ culture that arose out of the Spock epoch. The so-called X and Y generations have suffered the fate of that indulgent era as parents, especially fathers, enter marriage with so few skills to successfully manage their families.

If this seems all gloom and doom let me say that there are men who have risen to become the responsible adult models their children need. This does not just happen. It takes skill and practice. Fathers, our example so often leads to our boys becoming great fathers. This will likely become generational.

The leadership of fathers does indeed shape our nation.

There are many resources available to help men in their fathering role. If you do not feel you are in parental control of your family, then seek help.

Written by Brian Burgess, Forefront Families

LET THEM GO!

I think every parent struggles with letting their child go, especially mothers. It is not just once, but many times through the years we find ourselves wanting to hold onto our precious children. It starts from when we first leave them with a sitter to the time they walk up the aisle.  I vividly recall my 3 year-old son’s first day at Kindergarten. I was so worried that he would be traumatized by me leaving him with complete strangers, I could not pluck up the courage to walk away. My mind was made up for me when the caregivers told me to ‘just go’!

Then there was the first day of school where I thought he would be lonely and frightened and the first game of football where I worried he might get hurt. There was the first time he failed, the first girlfriend and finally the day he married. I suffered some of the same personal trauma with my daughter, although I was a little more prepared for those feelings of ‘loss’ the second time around.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LET GO?

Obviously, we mothers never believe anyone can care for our little Johnnie/Susan the way we can. We know their needs, their moods and we sense when they are starting to become anxious. We have a natural instinct to care for and protect our little ones at all cost. If I am really honest, I think I enjoyed being the answer to my child’s every need. I liked to be needed, to be the first one my kids turned to when they wanted to be comforted or needed anything.

As they enter the school system others begin to assume authority in our kids’ lives. We are no longer their only source of help, care, comfort and protection. Beyond our immediate sphere of influence we cannot always be there to protect them. This becomes disconcerting for a mother, especially when tales come home from school and we only hear one side of the story. Many a time, I offered to go down to the school waving my imaginary purple umbrella and sort out some offender. That threat became a joke because my kids would always howl, “No, Mom! PLEASE don’t come to school.” What? I was no longer viewed by my own kids as their champion, their only solver of all problems?

I was beginning to realize I needed an attitude adjustment. It wasn’t that my children no longer needed me. It was the fact that they were growing older and were beginning to face the world and solve problems without me, finding other sources of help, e.g. their football coach, their teacher, their friends and maybe even their friends’ parents. 

WHAT MAKES IT EASIER TO LET GO?

 The first thing we need to be assured of is that they will make wise choices and clearly recognize that there are both positive or negative consequences for each action taken or word spoken. Home is a safe place to practice becoming independent. The danger is in constantly anticipating their problems and answering them without giving kids a chance to fly on their own while they are still in the safetly of home.

Once we recognize that our role has changed we need to re-establish a life of our own and not rely on our children to fulfill our needs. They should have ceased being the center of the universe as preschoolers. All through our kids’ growing up my husband and I were working on our interests as well as caring for them. We had a dance band. We had a small farm. We studied at University. We had full time jobs and we were fully engaged in numerous church activities. By our children living in a constantly revolving and stimulating home environment, we taught them how to set and achieve goals, to problem solve, deal with failures and most of all how to live and enjoy life.

There is no denying the internal turmoil we have when we see our child give their heart to another. I defy any mother to tell me she did not shed a tear on her child’s wedding day. Yet, that special love a child has for his/her parents will always be there as long as we have not smothered them from the beginning, to the point that they wanted to ‘escape’.

Our kids need to know they go with our blessing and that we will always be that ‘go to’ person when their other trusted resources don’t have the answer. Our adult children have become our best friends. I hope yours are or will be, too. 

LETTING GO (sung by Suzy Bogguss)
Written by: Doug Crider and Matt Rollings

She'll take the painting in the hallway,  The one she did in jr. high
And that old lamp up in the attic,  She'll need some light to study by.
She's had 18 years to get ready for this day
She should be past the tears, she cries some anyway

Oh, oh letting go
There's nothing in the way now,
Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly
And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting,
It's never easy letting go.

Mother sits down at the table, So many things she'd like to do
Spend more time out in the garden, Now she can get those books read too.
She's had 18 years to get ready for this day
She should be past the tears, she cries some anyway.

Oh oh letting go
There's nothing in the way now,
Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly
And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting,
It's never easy letting go.

Blog written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

GIVE ANYWAY

What incredible values to adopt in our families.

Sally Burgess, Forefront Families.

HOW IMPORTANT IS A HUG?

To me, a hug is a sure sign of acceptance, of reassurance, of comfort, of care and in many cases, of love on the part of the person giving the hug.

To some, to open one’s arms to another is a sign of vulnerability on their part.

To a very few, it feels like an intrusion into their personal space. You can tell that when they back away and stiffen as you try to put your arms around them. I am not sure what has created such a reaction, but I can say it seems very sad. They are missing out. Missing out on what?

SO, WHAT DOES A HUG DO?

When a person feels the arms of another around them they are letting their guard down in order to feel the warmth, and to experience the love and care of that person.  I don’t think we can ever underestimate the value of a hug.   We, who experience frequent hugs, don’t always realize how fortunate we are.  People who lose their partners or friends have told me that the greatest thing they miss is human touch.
Research states that hugs cure depression, boost the immune system, reduce stress, induce sleep, and invigorate and rejuvenate the mind and body.  It is commonly said that it takes four hugs a day to survive, eight hugs a day to maintain a strong emotional level, and twelve hugs a day to grow.

I saw a great clip on “YouTube” showing a guy named Juan Mann walking down Pitt Street in Sydney, Australia, with a big sign saying, “Free hugs”.  Initially, nobody would go near him, but then a little old lady tapped him on the arm and asked for a hug because her dog had died that day and it was the anniversary of her daughter’s death.  One hug started an avalanche, one guy actually hurling himself at the hugger. Then the police banned Juan from hugging without $250,000 insurance in case he hurt someone.  He raked in the required 10,000 protester signatures and was allowed to continue.   He even hugged a policeman.

WHY DO WE NOT HUG OTHERS?

If hugs are so beneficial to our well-being, then why do we not proactively pursue hugging one another?   It has been said that most adults love to hug babies and animals, but some hesitate to hug another adult because they fear rejection.  Physical touch of any kind has been banned in some schools.  My husband, Brian, has been working with children all of his work life and these days he is not supposed to comfort a child except to talk to them (but he often ‘forgets’!).  He says many kids run up and hug him and, although he doesn’t discourage it, he cannot overtly respond.

KIDS DESPERATELY WANT HUGS

Kids are crying out for assurance through human touch, especially from their parents.  When they have been disciplined they need to be assured by parental touch (such as a hug) that the parent is seeking behavioral change and is not rejecting the child.

GIVING A HUG IS A CHOICE!

It takes an effort.  It requires our acceptance of others.  If you haven’t been a hugger, then here are some starter suggestions:

• Look at people as you walk down the street, and as you catch their eye, smile at them. 
• When you see a need, ask if you can help.  
• Say a kind word. 
• Say, “Thank you.” 
• Say you are sorry. 

All of these things validate the other person. When you see other people's responses, then you will feel more confident to actually reach out and touch or hug another person. In some instances it is a good idea to ask permission to hug before making a move.

Hug your kids and encourage them to be huggers, also.  Hug your friends and tell them how much you love and appreciate them.  You may even be bold like Juan Mann and hug strangers.  You will never know how this simple act of giving someone else value can change their perspective on life.



Reference: Free Hugs video Juan Mann: Check it out.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

THE KEY TO SUCCESS IS RESPECT

I saw this posted on Face Book the other day and thought it was well worth discussing.

                  "The more chances you give someone the less respect they will have for
                    you.  They will begin to ignore the standards you have set because they
                     know another chance will be given.  They are not afraid to lose you
                    because they know no matter what you do they will not walk away from
                     you.  They get comfortable relying on your forgiveness.  
                               Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you."  

SETTING OF STANDARDS

There in the second sentence is the key to gaining respect.  If there are no standards or expectations there is likely no consequences for actions.  If there are no consequences given there is little or no point of measurement for acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

SECOND CHANCES

When we set standards we must teach our kids and allow them to make mistakes until they get it right.  The key here is to determine when they have learned by their mistakes and when to stop giving second chances without consequences.

N.B. They need to know what the consequences are beforehand and there should be no backing off issuing them.  Having done so, the parent then talks to the child about the situation and how to deal with it successfully in future.

GAINING RESPECT

You will gain your child's respect when you respond appropriately to both positive AND negative behaviors.  Kids love to be praised for doing a good job.  It means you have observed and are pleased with their actions.  Kids also want to hear you say, 'NO' sometimes.  They need to know they have crossed the line and that you are not prepared to overlook it without a consequence.  It says to them that you care about them.  I doubt any child will believe the age old saying, "This hurts me more than it hurts you", when you issue a corrective action, but they should know where they stand with you.  You have expectations and they really do want to know they are meeting and exceeding those requirements.

Kids will walk all over weak parents which is, of course, disrespectful.  It can easily be observed in the classroom.  One teacher will have children eating out of their hand, as it were, while in another classroom the kids are running wild.  Where does most learning take place?  In the well-controlled classroom.  Where is there excitement in achievement?  In the controlled environment.

THE GOLDEN TICKET

When our kids learn that respect develops from:
     a. Obeying set standards
     b. Understanding how negative actions affect others
     c. Admitting and asking forgiveness for mistakes made (and learning from those mistakes)
     d. Having a positive, thoughtful and thankful attitude towards others
they WILL succeed in school, in work and in family life.  When they are respectful, they will also gain respect from others.

Success comes through a combination of support and love from parents, as well as a controlled, respectful and loving environment.  This allows our kids to explore their giftings and to excel in what they love to do.  This is our son and daughter-in-law proudly posing with our grandson, 10 year-old Jaedon, who just won a very prestigious 2016 schools regional speech competition.  This involved winning the school competition, then the district's schools competition and finally the city-wide competition (city population 1.6 million).

Written by:  Sally Burgess, Forefront Families