HOW DO WE DEVELOP RESPONSIBLITY IN OUR KIDS?

Just because someone may have grown to be over 5ft tall, it doesn't mean there is a mature brain in their head!  Physical maturity and emotional maturity can be vastly different things.

THE CHARACTERISTICS OF A RESPONSIBLE PERSON:

1. They feel they are accountable for their actions.
     a) They do the right thing whether anyone is looking or not.
     b) Own up to their mistakes.
     c) Endure the consequences of their mistakes without blaming anyone else.

2. They do what they say they will do.
    
3. They are committed and faithful.

4. They tell the truth.
   
5. They respect the law, all those who have authority over them, their peers and those less fortunate.

6. They are positive role models to those around them

HOW DO WE INSTILL RESPONSIBILITY IN OUR KIDS?

1. We act as positive role models and, if we feel we fall short, we get help to become what we
    want our kids to be.

2.  We give them responsibility at an early age e.g. giving them chores, getting them to look
     after their own toys, watching out for their siblings, following through with parent requests and
     commitments. We gradually increase the responsibility we give them so they learn the positive
     reactions to making the right choices in life.
 
3. We teach them how to make good choices and walk them through their mistakes until a positive
    conclusion is reached.

4. We praise them for positive behavior rather than browbeat them when they have made a mistake.

5. We do not continually fish them out of trouble.  Sheltering them shields them from feeling the
    consequences of their actions and gives them a superior, 'entitled' attitude which does not
    lead to a happy and fulfilled life.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

KIDS SHOULD NEVER BE YOUR CONFIDANTES

We often hear stories of children that feel they are the cause of their parents' split.  They carry
that burden for many years until they realize otherwise - if they do at all.


     Mike’s world came crashing down when his wife decided to leave the family. He was father
to three children aged 14, 12 and 10 years old, and a physician in a very busy city ER. He  was so
busy at work, he had not spent time cultivating friendships in his off-duty time and therefore, when
his marriage broke up, he had no-one to talk to about his troubles. He wore out his work colleagues whenever he could bale them up and their sympathy was running out on him. Without anyone else
to confide in, Mike started using his children as his sounding board for pent-up frustrations. They got to hear it all: what he thought of his wife’s decision, what he thought of her as a person, how their marriage had been until their break-up and so on – and on, and on.

     What is wrong with this picture? Mike was talking to the wrong ears. He was talking about the mother they loved dearly. He was forgetting that they were grieving because they had lost their mother as well. He was talking about stuff the kids had no way of processing or dealing with. It would be like giving a lamb chop to a newborn baby !!!! Mike was putting huge amounts of stress on his children. They hated to hear him badmouthing their mother, and they also hated seeing their father in such grief and turmoil.

Mike's kids may have thought they were to blame for the break-up in some way. They may have thought they had to do something to try and stick their mother and father back together again so everything would be all right. They may have thought they needed to tell their Dad something, anything that would soothe his troubled mind. Whatever his reasoning – which I consider was totally lacking - he was telling the wrong people.

Mike's kids didn’t know what to do. He should have been seeking professional help.

What parents need to understand is this. Discussing marriage problems with one’s children is totally inappropriate because:

1) Children become party to inappropriate information they are often unable to objectively process,
    let alone have an answer to.

2) Kids are a captive audience and are less able to excuse themselves when they feel uncomfortable
     about the content of the conversation.

3) Negative things are being said about their beloved other parent.

4) They become burdened and overwhelmed by the stress of something they can do nothing about.

Parents need to shield their children from such parental tensions. They should instead seek out
adults, and where necessary, professional counseling to assist them. If children need to be brought into such discussions, then the conversation should be age-appropriate and in small enough doses that the child can assimilate it.

A parent’s responsibility is to provide a peaceful, safe and loving home for themselves and their children. A very effective way of ensuring a positive environment exists in your home is to create a set of strong family values which describes what peacefulness, safety and respect for one another looks like. If such an environment seems to be unattainable, then, for the sake of everyone, professional help should be sought and children shielded from the storm.



Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

TO LOVE THIS MUCH

Today’s most heartwarming story is brought to you from a beach in Brazil.

It’s the story of a South American Magellanic penguin that swims 5,000 miles each year to be reunited with the man who saved his life.  Retired bricklayer and part time fisherman Joao Pereira de Souza, 71, who lives in an island village just outside Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, found the tiny penguin, covered in oil and close to death, lying on rocks on his local beach in 2011. Joao cleaned the oil off the penguin’s feathers and fed him a daily diet of fish to build his strength. He named him Dindim.

After a week, he tried to release the penguin back into the sea. But, the bird wouldn’t leave. "He stayed with me for 11 months and then, just after he changed his coat with new feathers, he disappeared," Joao recalls. And, just a few months later, Dindim was back. He spotted the fisherman on the beach one day and followed him home.

For the past five years, Dindim has spent eight months of the year with Joao and is believed to spend the rest of the time breeding off the coast of Argentina and Chile.

"I love the penguin like it’s my own child and I believe the penguin loves me," Joao told Globo TV. "No one else is allowed to touch him. He pecks them if they do. He lays on my lap, lets me give him showers, allows me to feed him sardines and to pick him up."

"Everyone said he wouldn’t return but he has been coming back to visit me for the past four years. He arrives in June and leaves to go home in February and every year he becomes more affectionate as he appears even happier to see me."

Biologist Professor Krajewski, who interviewed the fisherman for Globo TV, told The Independent: 

"I have never seen anything like this before. I think the penguin believes Joao is part of his family and probably a penguin as well.  When he sees him he wags his tail like a dog and honks with delight."

                             And, just like that, the world seems a kinder place again.

From this story we can apply its principles to our own lives.  Do we continue to remember and stay in touch with those who have sowed time and effort into our lives?  Do we tell them how much they mean to us?  Are we willing to go beyond the call to make a positive difference in others' lives?  Are we looking to make that difference?  Do we model this behavior to our children so they pass on such important values - that of total commitment, love and respect? 

Read more: 
http://metro.co.uk/2016/03/09/penguin-swims-5000-miles-every-year-for-reunion-with-the-man-who-saved-his-life-5741518/#ixzz42bZcmCJk

http://metro.co.uk/2016/03/09/penguin-swims-5000-miles-every-year-for-reunion-with-the-man-who-saved-his-life-5741518/#ixzz42bZjAdNv

http://metro.co.uk/2016/03/09/penguin-swims-5000-miles-every-year-for-reunion-with-the-man-who-saved-his-life-5741518/#ixzz42bZtt8Pj 

http://metro.co.uk/2016/03/09/penguin-swims-5000-miles-every-year-for-reunion-with-the-man-who-saved-his-life-5741518/#ixzz42bZxGUKt 

http://metro.co.uk/2016/03/09/penguin-swims-5000-miles-every-year-for-reunion-with-the-man-who-saved-his-life-5741518/#ixzz42ba1iKcD

WHAT MAKES A GREAT GRANDPARENT?

What is so great about being a grandparent? The most common retort I have heard to that question is that you can spoil them rotten and then hand them back to their (soon to be frazzled) parents! Whenever I hear someone say that, it seems like they really mean it. I wonder how many of us are guilty of spoiling our grandkids, just because we can?

I don’t think it is spoiling a grandchild to give them most of your attention while they are at your place. After all, you want to make the most of being together. I don’t think it is spoiling your grandchild to take them on adventures or vacations that perhaps their parents haven’t the time or the money to be able to do.

Spoiling means, for many grandparents, not setting any boundaries and allowing their grandchildren to do anything they want, and to have anything they want when they are in charge. In other words, you never say, ‘No!’ It is easy to fall into the trap of wanting your grandkids to love you by being their ‘sugar granny’. However, spoiling them can lead to them becoming disrespectful, demanding and selfish because they think the whole world revolves around them, and you are their servant!

What makes you a ‘great’ grandparent? 

It's important to display your unconditional love, not by giving them stuff, but by giving them hugs and kisses, letting them know that they are special, listening to their stories, going to their school and sports functions and generally having fun with them. The more physically fit you are the more you can offer them in the way of hiking, riding, boisterous play, fishing and taking them places. Even if you have a physical disability, a child will gravitate toward you if you make real eye contact, hold their hand, talk to them lovingly, ask them about their interests and help them learn some of the things that maybe their parents haven’t been able to teach them.

What do you want you grandchildren to remember about you? 

Here are some of the responses my grandparent friends gave me:

1. That I valued each grandchild equally and unconditionally. They knew they could always count
    on me for love, good advice, time and adventure.
2. That I accepted them for who they were and that I encouraged them in their hopes and dreams.
    They knew I loved them dearly and that love was not diminished by their behavior. Their
    behavior was addressed when necessary.
3. That I was a positive role model. My positive outlook was an inspiration to them and the memories
    we built together would last their lifetime.
4. They loved their visits to my home. They had fun, loved my food and got spoiled occasionally!
5. I made them feel safe and secure emotionally and physically. I was consistent in my love and my
    discipline and I kept my word.
6. I took the time to listen. I shared their joys and comforted them in times of trouble, fear or
    disappointment, no matter how big or small I might have considered it.
7. They learned from me about faith in God. They observed my life and my relationship with God
    as being real.
8. They remembered the teachable moments, learned how to make things, and let me include them in      my baking and sewing projects. I hope they appreciated the times I helped them make wise
    choices.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families and friends.

AIN'T THIS THE TRUTH

                     The above sign was placed in the drop off area outside the front of a school.

Let's face it, many parents have taken their kid's lunch to school so they wouldn't be hungry, or taken their homework because they didn't want their child to be in trouble with the teacher.

It starts there, but often doesn't end there!  We are not talking about the occasional brain fart our kids might have, but rather, the fact that they learn to rely on us because they know we will come and save them from the consequences of their poor memory, lack of organizational skills or lack of attention.

It doesn't begin and end with trips to school to save kids' butts.  It leaches out into every area of their lives because they soon learn to rely on us for every convenience that their self-centered existence blossom!

ARE YOU A CONSTANT RESCUER?

The root of the problem is that these parents are not expecting or teaching their children to take responsibility for their own lives and their own stuff.  We don't ever want to hear the words, "Well, you didn't remind me," or, "But that is your job, Mom or Dad!"  They need to learn from a very young age that life consists of 'give' as well as 'take' and that facing consequences helps mature them.

One summer break my husband, Brian, worked for a friend in his cabinet-making shop.  Andrew had built up a business producing high-end kitchen and bathroom cabinets.  He believed his business was booming.  He had two brothers-in-law working for him.  Matt was a partner in the business, also acting as the company accountant/office manager, while the other worked in the factory.

Not long after going back to his regular school job at the end of the summer vacation, Brian received a phone call from Andrew to say that he was going out of business.  Astounded, he asked why.  He was told that his partner, Matt, in whom he had put a lot of trust, had not paid the company taxes for three years and now the IRS wanted $40,000.  Andrew was totally devastated!  That meant that he and Matt owed $20,000 each.

Andrew didn't have that sort of money, so he decided to sell as much of the equipment as he could to recoup some money to help pay the debt.  Machinery worth well over $100,000 was sold for peanuts.  He was looking now for new employment.

How does this true story relate to the subject?  Matt didn't have the money to pay his portion of the debt either, so his father bailed him out.  The problem here is that Andrew's father-in-law had regularly bailed his boys out of trouble and they never learned to be mature, independent men and bare the consequences of their own foolishness.  They always knew that daddy would come to their rescue.

This is what can happen when we start rescuing our children early in their lives.  It often doesn't stop there and parents end up bewildered and wonder where they went wrong.  Don't be a 'Coast-Guard parent' eager to come to your kids' rescue whenever they raise their hand.

Written by Sally and Brian Burgess, Forefront Families
www.forefrontfamilies.org

GETTING THE BEST FROM YOUR TEENS

There are four important keys to getting the best from your teens.   

BECOME A ROCK SOLID FAMILY

Present a united family front built on strong family values. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and model the expectations you require of your kids.

DEVELOP AND MAINTAIN GREAT COMMUNICATIONS

Nurture a strong two-way connection with your kids.  Spend time with each individual child so they feel they can talk to you about their stuff - good and bad.  Teach them to make wise choices and be proactive in preparing them for the many situations that might present in their teens.

BE INVOLVED IN YOUR KIDS' LIVES

You can't be encouraging if you don't really know what makes your kids 'tick', floats their boat, or gets them excited.  When they find what they are really good at they will pursue it with your encouragement and involvement.  When they are experiencing success, they will be much less likely to be led down a potentially destructive path.  Keep them busy.  Get them outdoors in the fresh air.  Less time staring at their hand-held devices and more in using their energy and their brains, makes for a much healthier lifestyle and outlook on life. 

EXPECT GREAT THINGS FROM YOUR TEENS

Kids are much more inclined to do great things when YOU do.  They see your excitement at achieving high goals and they naturally want to experience that same kind of satisfaction for themselves.  Life is not over at 40, 50 or 60.  If we learn how to set and reach goals for ourselves, we can pass on the same skills to our kids.

Speaking from personal experience, I can honestly say, I have achieved far greater heights than I would have ever dreamed possible.  This opened the eyes of our children who, in turn, have discovered their strong points and their purpose, and are also flying high with excitement for theirs and their children's futures.

Check out our website for more insights into effective parenting:

www.forefrontfamilies.org

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

"HEY, MOM' I'M BACK!!!!"

You walk in the door after a busy day out running errands or working.  You are thinking of a quiet glass of wine with your feet up.  Ahhh!  No kids to chase up to do their homework.  No ball games, no after-school ferrying of kids to this or that rehearsal.  Life is good.  Then as you let yourself in the house, you are greeted by a smiling, gangly 22 year-old with a hard-luck tale as long as your arm!

"Today I lost my job, Mom.  I can't pay my rent now and it is either move back home or go live under a bridge!"  Really?  As if such a dramatic story like that is going to melt your heart.  It really is the time to pour that glass of wine!

The economic recession has changed the face of family structures in many countries.  You breathed a sigh of relief as you waved goodbye to your adult child leaving to make their place in life and asserting their independence.  You even helped them furnish their apartment and were so proud that you had raised your child to be a fine young adult who would do well in life.

Now, not only are children coming back home to live, but we are seeing relatives moving in with their kin because their marriage has disintegrated under financial and emotional strains.  Job losses have resulted in home foreclosures and the occupants sometimes can’t even afford to lease an apartment.

I heard our local radio talk back host, Phil Valentine, saying one day that his kids were all told that when they moved out of home with a job to go to, they were not to come back.  So what do you do when you are faced with the above scenario?

HOW DO YOU HANDLE ADULT KIDS MOVING BACK HOME?

1. Discuss what happened to have caused them to lose their job, their living circumstances etc.
    Where possible, coach them through what would alleviate that situation occurring again.
2. Evaluate the situation they are now in.  They often cannot see anything but doom and gloom 
    when they are not used to solving 'crisis' situations.
3. Give them a short time frame - e.g. 3 months maximum to be looking for and be situated in a new
    job.  If not, they have to make alternative arrangements for living.
4. Have them agree to pay you some money for food and lodgings, if not immediately, then over the
    next agreed upon period of time.
5. Reiterate the house rules and state they must help with household chores as they used to (or if they
    didn't way back then, make them start!)

It may seem harsh to lay heavy expectations on a young adult, but if we don't teach them how to deal
with these kinds of crises, they will never learn and you may not be able to get them to leave home and take responsibility for their own lives.  Do not go soft and feel sorry for them.  Sure it is hard, but so is life.  We have a friend who is still living at home at 50 years of age and he won't listen to any
advice from us.  His parents are squarely to blame for not making him face life's trials as an adult. You aren't doing your child a service if you continue to enable their behavior or their situation. 

The family that has moved in is already stressed out to the max. You are stressed because you as 'empty nesters' now have to reinvent yourselves and don’t have the freedom or privacy you had been enjoying.

Of course we will take in our offspring, however old they are, especially if it is the result of our country’s economic situation rather than poor choices on their part.  It is essential if you find yourself in this situation to love your family unconditionally.  This doesn’t give them 'carte blanche' to come in and take over.   It is important before any family members take up residence in your home to have a meeting to discuss issues such as a possible time frame, schooling for any children, privacy issues and how any tensions should be addressed.  Just because they are family doesn’t mean that they are entitled to any special favors in your home.  This has probably not happened to you before, so you might be confused or in a state of shock.

SOMETIMES IT IS AN ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

Kids who have had their way paid all through their lives, right up until they leave college, often have a very hazy sense of the real world.  They sometimes feel entitled, and when expectations are laid on them in a job, they think they can just walk out and find another job where less pressure is put on them to 'man up'.  Parents need to stop fishing them out of trouble or difficulties.  Our children must stand on their own two feet and become role models for their own children.  As parents, we have to let them go.  I know we want to feel needed, but adult kids have to learn to fly on their own.

Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families
www.forefrontfamilies.org