We often hear stories of children that feel they are the cause of their parents' split. They carry
that burden for many years until they realize otherwise - if they do at all.
Mike’s world came crashing down when his wife decided to leave the family. He was father
to three children aged 14, 12 and 10 years old, and a physician in a very busy city ER. He was so
busy at work, he had not spent time cultivating friendships in his off-duty time and therefore, when
his marriage broke up, he had no-one to talk to about his troubles. He wore out his work colleagues whenever he could bale them up and their sympathy was running out on him. Without anyone else
to confide in, Mike started using his children as his sounding board for pent-up frustrations. They got to hear it all: what he thought of his wife’s decision, what he thought of her as a person, how their marriage had been until their break-up and so on – and on, and on.
What is wrong with this picture? Mike was talking to the wrong ears. He was talking about the mother they loved dearly. He was forgetting that they were grieving because they had lost their mother as well. He was talking about stuff the kids had no way of processing or dealing with. It would be like giving a lamb chop to a newborn baby !!!! Mike was putting huge amounts of stress on his children. They hated to hear him badmouthing their mother, and they also hated seeing their father in such grief and turmoil.
Mike's kids may have thought they were to blame for the break-up in some way. They may have thought they had to do something to try and stick their mother and father back together again so everything would be all right. They may have thought they needed to tell their Dad something, anything that would soothe his troubled mind. Whatever his reasoning – which I consider was totally lacking - he was telling the wrong people.
Mike's kids didn’t know what to do. He should have been seeking professional help.
What parents need to understand is this. Discussing marriage problems with one’s children is totally inappropriate because:
1) Children become party to inappropriate information they are often unable to objectively process,
let alone have an answer to.
2) Kids are a captive audience and are less able to excuse themselves when they feel uncomfortable
about the content of the conversation.
3) Negative things are being said about their beloved other parent.
4) They become burdened and overwhelmed by the stress of something they can do nothing about.
Parents need to shield their children from such parental tensions. They should instead seek out
adults, and where necessary, professional counseling to assist them. If children need to be brought into such discussions, then the conversation should be age-appropriate and in small enough doses that the child can assimilate it.
A parent’s responsibility is to provide a peaceful, safe and loving home for themselves and their children. A very effective way of ensuring a positive environment exists in your home is to create a set of strong family values which describes what peacefulness, safety and respect for one another looks like. If such an environment seems to be unattainable, then, for the sake of everyone, professional help should be sought and children shielded from the storm.
Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families
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