YOUR MARRIAGE COMES FIRST

Parenting is a hard job and we often feel ill-equipped to be like all the 'successful' parents around us.  Of course they are looking at us the same way.  Arlene Pellicane made a number of astute observations about the mistakes parents make.  This is one of them.

YOUR MARRIAGE TAKES A BACK SEAT! 

Focus on your children first and your marriage second, and you will hurt your kids.  When your kids need something for school or an activity, you’ll burn the candle at both ends to make it happen.  But if your spouse needs something, you tend to think, “Take care of it yourself.  I have enough to do around here!”  Yet when it’s all said and done, your kids will leave your home someday and probably start their own families.  Your relationship with your spouse is the most important bond that needs tending.  The greatest gift you can give your kids is a strong marriage.  It provides security, love, belonging, strength, and an example to follow in the future.

KIDS THRIVE IN A HAPPY ENVIRONMENT

The younger the child is, the more attention it needs, naturally.  Unfortunately, by spending most of your time on your kid's needs you have far less time for your marriage.
a) You do your kids a disservice by giving them the idea that you are there for their every
     whim rather than learning to be part of a family - a family who helps one another.
b) You do yourself and your marriage a disservice by not resting and not spending time with your
     spouse.

NURTURE YOUR MARRIAGE CONTINUALLY

Carve out time to feed and enjoy your own relationship.
a) Get the kids to bed by 7.30 or 8:00 p.m. so you can have time to yourselves.
b) Get a sitter so you can go out with friends or go to the movies.
c) Arrange for others to take the kids so you can take a short trip away.
d) Teach your kids not to interrupt 'Mommy and Daddy time' when you are sitting quietly, talking
    adult stuff.  That way they learn that your time together is valuable, also.

A happy home is a harmonious one.  When kids sense stress between parents, they they tend to become insecure and they do not thrive.  Each family member needs quality time alone and with each other.  Don't leave yourselves out.

Comments by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families

Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife. She has been a guest on the Today Show, Family Life Today, The 700 Club and Turning Point with David Jeremiah. Arlene and her husband James live in San Diego with their three children. Visit Arlene’s website at www.ArlenePellicane.com.

NOT EVERYONE IS A WINNER

Arlene Pellicane (see source below) identifies a number of errors that parents make in trying to please their children.  Here is one of them.


"EVERYONE'S A WINNER.
A few years ago when my son was at a basketball camp, their team was matched with a much better team.  After about five minutes, they turned the scoreboard off so it wouldn’t read 98:0 (or something like that!).  We have done our kids a disservice by giving everyone a “participation trophy.”  Life doesn’t work like that.  There are winners and losers.  Imagine if we stopped keeping score in professional sports.  What would be the point of the game?  Teach your child that self-worth is not found on the scoreboard,  but that he/she should always strive to do his/her best.  It’s motivating to earn a trophy through sweat, effort and determination.  It’s de-motivating to earn a trophy just because you showed up." - Arlene Pellacane 

HOW TO PREPARE KIDS FOR DISAPPOINTMENTS

The first thing to realize is that self-worth does not stem from what others think about us, but how we see ourselves.  That takes maturity and does not often materialize until we are in our late teens (after puberty).  We cannot afford to measure our success by results on the field.  There are too many variables that are beyond our control.  This is why we need to expose our kids to competition early so they understand they cannot always be the winner.  We need to teach our kids how to set goals for themselves, goals that they can achieve without comparing themselves with others.  For example, if they are running a race, then they can improve their own times.  Sure, they want to win, so they need to see what times winners are achieving and do what they can to better those times themselves through practice, practice, practice.

When I was competing in one particular competition everyone got a prize.  I think the reasoning was that people were bringing their kids from all over the States, so the organizers decided to keep the attendance up, they should give everyone a prize to take home. NOT.

CONFIDENCE BEGINS AT HOME

Self respect begins at home.  We need to build our kids' confidence by encouraging them to try things.  Find out what they show aptitude for and get them going.  Encourage them to value and seek improvement.   Catch them in their failures.  Yes failures.  The world calls not winning, 'failure'.  Acknowledge their disappointment and help them through it.  Don't brush it off.  They need to learn to pick themselves up and keep trying.  This is an invaluable lesson.  One of the greatest things we can do for our kids is to train them to believe in themselves, to be successful and to NEVER give up.


Comments by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families.

Source:  
Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife. She has been a guest on the Today Show, Family Life Today, The 700 Club and Turning Point with David Jeremiah. Arlene and her husband James live in San Diego with their three children. Visit Arlene’s website at www.ArlenePellicane.com.

FEELINGS, NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS....

Parenting can be very exhilarating and very exasperating!  Exhilarating and exasperating are very emotive words, wrapped up in feeling either fabulous or frustrated.  Arlene Pellicane (see source below) has identified a number of failures we make as parents. The following is one of them.


FEELINGS TRUMP EVERYTHING ELSE
"The main question these days is, 'How do you feel about that?'  We’ve downplayed the power of the will to do the right thing even when your child doesn’t feel like it.  Instead, we’ve elevated feelings above all else to our great detriment.  Your child may not feel like doing homework or giving grandma a hug as a CNN article wrote about.  Yet it’s the right thing to do homework and hug grandmas.  Your child should not learn to behave based on feelings.  Ask your child, “What do you think?” not “How do you feel?”   - Arlene Pellicane 

The term, 'If it feels right, do it' can get you into all sorts of trouble.  Feelings are based purely on emotion and we all know where that can get us.  Even with maturity, we can still be swayed sometimes by our feelings.  Remember the emotional roller coaster ride of our teen years?  Yikes!  Decisions based on our emotions can be irrational.

MIND OVER MATTER

How do we arrive at rational decisions?  We apply reason and logic.  For example, I really want to go for an overseas trip.  It would be so exciting (feelings).  My reason and logic applied would make me think, 'Can I afford to go?'  If I put the cost on my credit card, will I have enough money for Christmas gifts?  Will it be safe?  Do I have accommodation worked out?  Should I get travel insurance in case I get sick or lose my luggage?  Spontaneity (feelings) is fine if you have the means to see the situation through.

We need to teach our kids to apply logic to important decisions.  Encourage them to think and talk  through the choices they make.
1  What do you want to do in relation to post-secondary study? e.g. attend an out-of-State university.
2. What are the positive and negative aspects of this decision?  The university has a great name but
    it will cost more to attend there.  I will be a long way from home, so traveling back and forth
    could be costly.
3. What are the options for achievement?  Should I do the first two years in a State Community
    College and then transfer?  Should I check out other universities nearer home?  Should I work and
    attend university at the same time?

Life is too short to make ill-advised choices.  There are times when we can be spontaneous but, in doing so, we still have to apply logic for safety and expense's sake.

Comments by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families
  
Source: Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife. She has been a guest on the Today Show, Family Life Today, The 700 Club and Turning Point with David Jeremiah. Arlene and her husband James live in San Diego with their three children. Visit Arlene’s website at www.ArlenePellicane.com.

LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES

 

Forrest Gump said it well, when he said, "Life is a box of chocolates.  You never know what you are gonna get." We cannot allow our kids to think that everything will be rosy all the time.  We should not continually shield them from hard work and hard knocks.

Many times we feel as if we are failures as parents.  One of those reasons may be because we are making decisions for our kids that they don't like.  They can't see it is for their own good, only that we are 'ruining' their lives. We are perceived by them as 'mean' parents!

Arlene Pellicane sited several mistakes we make as parents.  Here is one of them.

AMUSING OUR KIDS IS THE HIGHEST PRIORITY

"We don’t want our children to be bored or to scream in public places, so we hand over an electronic device to amuse them. As this becomes the norm, your child learns to crave constant amusement and entertainment. Instead of having a special Disneyland experience once every few years, we’re bending over backwards to create those magical moments every day with special outings, fun food, and over-the-top parties for kids. Stop being the cruise director for your child’s life - that’s not your main job description. If your child can’t find something to do without your help or without a screen, they are headed for trouble." - Arlene Pellicane

 

DON'T FALL INTO THE TRAP!

We are the author of our kids' expectations.  It doesn't take them long to learn that Granny is always going to bring them sweets when she comes to visit, that they will always get a toy when they go to the mall or that weekends are for their entertainment.  Life is not like that.

We can see where it comes from.  Newborns are totally reliant on others.  The difficulty is the point where we stop responding to their 'demands' and make them aware that they are part of a family not the center of the universe.  Of course, we want our kids to love us.  We want to remain feeling needed even, but spoiling them rotten by amusing them with stuff, is not what will bring them true happiness OR prepare them for the real world.  We need to shift their brains from 'it is all about me' to 'I am part of a family and we all have needs.'

 

SUCCESSFUL FOCAL CHANGE

• We tell them they will not always get a special something when they go out.
• We do not give them everything they ask for and explain why.
• We lead by example by not having to be amused all the time ourselves.
• We explain that money does not grow on trees and that they have to save for things.
• We involve them in family responsibilities and do not pay them to do chores.

Comments by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families.

Source:  
Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife. She has been a guest on the Today Show, Family Life Today, The 700 Club and Turning Point with David Jeremiah. Arlene and her husband James live in San Diego with their three children. Visit Arlene’s website at www.ArlenePellicane.com.