During a seminar we facilitated my husband talked about how to be effective with discipline. Having previously run a session on how to create family values, the audience now understood that kids do need a clear explanation of parental expectations and boundaries.
Brian demonstrated a very effective method for handling a situation where a child has violated the boundaries and is being uncooperative. He said, “Get down to the child’s level. Make them look you in the eye, and in a firm, assertive voice tell them what you expected, what they did wrong, and what the consequence will be.” He used a member of the audience to demonstrate the difference that the tone of voice makes. At first he spoke quietly and in conversation style, then he really eyeballed the person and added the sound of authority to his tone of voice. It made the other person really take notice.
After the seminar was over and we were packing up, the Children’s Pastor came back into the room and said, “You will never guess what just happened! Jonnie, the little boy we have most behavioral problems with in Sunday school, just threw a tantrum because he didn’t want to leave child-care after the seminar. His parents (who had just attended our session) took him, kicking and screaming, to another room, closed the door, and applied the principles they had just learned. Jonnie just left the church like a little lamb!” It really does work! Here were parents with a 5 year-old who had never been handled appropriately, yet when they eyeballed him, and spoke with authority, the change in behavior was dramatic.
Kids really do want clear expectations and boundaries. They feel insecure without them. They not only want to know what your expectations are, but they want AND need to know why you have created particular family values and why they need to behave certain ways.
SO, HOW CAN WE BE FIRM AND FAIR?
1. Model the behaviors you want your children to demonstrate.
2. Remind them of expected behaviors. Give them time to get it right. Don’t just pounce.
3. Praise your children when a desired behavior is demonstrated.
4. Be consistent. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
5. Remember that children are different and consequences may vary.
6. Don't compare one child with another. Never find yourself saying, "Johnny
is such a good child. Why are you so rotten?" Believe me, it happens!
7. Be prepared to apologize if you have misjudged a situation.
8. Don’t keep reminding your child of past failures. Move on.
Children need to understand how their misbehavior affects others; that it shows disrespect, and that unacceptable or uncontrolled behavior WILL damage their own reputation in later life.
You will know you have done a good job in being a fair yet firm parent when your kids consistently behave well at home as well as when they are out of your sight.
Written by Sally Burgess, Forefront Families
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