CAN WE PICK OUR KIDS' FRIENDS?

  I read a newspaper article the other day about some teenage boys who were shooting tin cans off a back yard fence using a bee bee gun.  One of the boys was putting the cans back on the fence when another boy told him to move.  Unfortunately, he moved in the opposite direction than they expected and was shot and later died.  Alcohol was found to be involved.  The father of one of the boys was reported to have said, "You can't pick your kids' friends."


That statement got me thinking!  Can we pick our kids' friends?  I don't think there is a simple answer to that, but what I would say is that we can certainly train our kids to make wise choices. 

When our kids are small, we do have influence over who they play with.  We can set behavioral expectations for our own homes and ensure that other kids playing there abide by those rules.  When our preteens' behavior is adversely affected by the friends they hang around, we do have a say as to whether those friendships continue.

We cannot dictate our teens' friends, although hopefully, by that time we will have given them enough skills to choose friends who have similar values to our own.  Kids need to know that alcohol does not mix with any kind of activity.  We can use examples such as the one above to explain to our kids that serious accidents can occur when we are not thinking about possible consequences.

We need to teach our kids what a good friend looks like and how to maintain that friendship. Good friends care, protect and stick up for each other.  They are encouraging and help keep each other out of trouble and danger. We can also encourage our kids to tell us when they feel afraid or bullied or pressured by certain friends. It is important for them to feel like they can come to us as a safe place. Sometimes kids just feel like they will get in trouble from their friends if they tell an adult about another child's behavior.


The best way to teach your children to pick good friends is to be a good role model in the friends you pick. When they see the value of good friendship, they will look for the same things in others. And, if you are your child's hero, they will want to pick friends that remind them of you.

By Sally Burgess and Kristee Mays